Revolution of Love

Revolution of Love

Do small things with great love.

Book Discussion: Style, Sex and Substance – Chpt 4 (Part 2: Sex & The Married Woman)


Previous posts:

Today I am continuing with the second half of Chapter 4 dealing with Sex and the Married woman.
Warning – This article will be TMI for others who are not married or those who think this kind of stuff should not be shared publicly. Go ahead and skip to another blog and come back tomorrow for {p, h, f, r}. Thanks!

NFP & Me
Elizabeth’s section on NFP really got me thinking. She shared her story of how her use of NFP developed in her marriage. It made me think of my own story.

“It’s Not You, It’s Me” – It’s funny but this past year NFP and I have had a love-hate relationship and I came very close to breaking up and saying goodbye for good. To give you a little background, when I was in my early 20’s I was going through my selfish/worldly life phase. I grew up naive and inexperienced in many ways but once I got out into the world and made the wrong kind of friends, things changed.

I’m Supposed to Do What? – When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I did not have a proper understanding of the Church’s teaching on birth control. When I learned that couples were expected to use NFP, which required periods of abstaining from sex as a married couple, I thought it was completely absurd. It was bad enough that I was expected to remain a virgin before I was married but now I wasn’t even allowed to have sex whenever I wanted after I was married. Forget it!

Not Again – At the time these thoughts were in my life, my mom was pregnant again. I remember thinking that there would be over 20 years difference between me and this sibling and didn’t she have enough with nine kids already? And I wasn’t going to get stuck taking care of another baby… (Man, even I want to smack my selfish self upside the head.)

Her Name Was Rose – Then my mom had a miscarriage. I remember at some point I was talking to my mom and trying to comfort her but she knew, to some degree, how I really felt about her having another baby and not wanting kids myself. She snapped at me and made a comment about it not mattering one way or another to me since I put little value to new life anyway. I shrugged it off and walked away. But something about that miscarriage did something to me. My mom felt it was a little girl that we lost and named her Rose. My little sister Rose must have been praying hard for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

I don’t think I can tell you exactly what or how it happened but something inside me changed after Rose’s miscarriage. She became “real” to me. I started to feel her loss. It was as if she were trying to get across to me that life is precious and we can’t take it for granted. It sparked something in me and slowly my viewpoint started to change. My heart was starting to change. It would still be a couple more years until I had my full conversion but God was slowly working on me and to this day I know Rose sparked the beginning of the opening of my heart.

On Fire for God – After my conversion (or reversion, actually) I got deeper into my faith until I fell in love with Christ and was fully committed to living out all the teachings of the church, including those regarding sexuality. At this point I was in my late 20’s and looking for a man who also loved Our Lord and the Church and who would support using NFP in our future marriage. By my late 20’s I found that man in Brian.

What Goes Around Comes Around – Our first year of marriage God was teaching me much. We hoped to get pregnant that first year but it wasn’t working. My cycles were always abnormal and now it was affecting my fertility. It was a very humbling experience because I remember thinking that my mom had nine kids and I would naturally inherit her great baby making genes. But God was letting me feel the effects of my prior selfishness of not wanting any kids. God was teaching me just how precious and special a new life is. It can’t be taken for granted that it will always be there nor is it at our disposal.

A Little Miracle
– Finally, the second year of our marriage God showed great mercy on us and sent us our beautiful baby girl. I knew I wanted to honor the little baby sister that I never met but who played a big part in my conversion so we named out first girl Isabella Rose Marie. Shortly after, Brian and I started our website and I wanted to share what I learned about NFP and birth control so I wrote a number of articles such as What’s Wrong with Birth Control? and Is Birth Control Safe for My Body? and What is Natural Family Planning (NFP)?. However, ten years later I wanted to pull them off the website and disregard everything I said.

Fixing the Problem
– For the first decade of our marriage we were strong NFP supporters. We started trying for a second child when Bella was around 18-24 months but I had secondary infertility. We did get pregnant twice in the course of three or four years but we lost both babies to miscarriage. It was then that a friend recommended that we switch from the Sympto-Thermal Method to the Creighton Model since it has been proven effective for those with irregular cycles. I was extremely reluctant to start a method that only used one means (mucus) but decided to give it a try anyway. I am so glad I did! It took a lot of work and appointments and tests but we were able to clear up the problem (which was primarily low progesterone and some PCOS issues) and my cycles cleared up considerably. After that we followed our charting carefully and we conceived Andrew and John-Paul within three years time. After JP I got lazy with my NFP. I stopped charting and did it “in my head.” I wasn’t observing 100% and unsurprisingly I found myself pregnant and it threw me for a loop. I didn’t think I was ready for another baby just yet.

Make A Decision – However, after time I fell in love with the idea and then with my little guy. But I knew I had to give myself some time before getting pregnant again so I went back to my Creighton teacher and relearned what I had forgotten. Brian and I followed our charting meticulously but I was having really long cycles with weeks and weeks of Phase 2, even well after I stopped breastfeeding. My teacher was very understanding and offered her wisdom in dealing with this tough time but as we were approaching week 6 then week 7 of no relief, I was fed up. I remember distinctly when we got to the “crisis point.” I was wrestling with my mind and a voice inside me said – You’ve got to chose, Bobbi. Do you love me even more than your husband? I broke down and cried. It was as if those same selfish demons that haunted me in my 20’s were haunting me again. I had to make my decision and I wanted to serve God together with Brian, not sin against Him with Brian. So we begged for more grace and it came. Thankfully, not long after that decision, (on day 50) we were able to come together again.

Reunited – It’s been about six months since then and NFP and I are back together wholeheartedly. My cycles are relatively normal (for me) and for the first time in my married life I am realizing just how amazing my fertility is and how the body can function like clockwork. I never had that before. Even though I still have had cycles that required longer abstaining than normal, we have been able to cope with it and make the most of it. Something that seemed impossible a few months back.

Friends First

In her section “Rediscovering Love” Elizabeth says,

“…The most satisfying sex occurs when couples are best friends — and friendship is something you cannot buy.”

That is so true and I think as the years pass you realize this more and more. The farther away you get from the newlywed years, (especially with many young kids underfoot) the more important it is to kindle that young love again and again so you don’t wake up one morning eating breakfast in front of a stranger.
Elizabeth goes on to say,

“A good relationship, however, doesn’t mean you are co-dependent clones of one another. Before marriage, my husband and I were separate people with separate identities and interests.”
“Marriage makes us one and unites us in this vocation of raising a family together, but maintaining interests and friendships that we cherished before marriage.”

Brian and I know that sometimes we need some time away. He finds his greatest solace in getting out for awhile and going to the local monastery to sit and pray and think quietly. Or I keep the kids occupied so he can watch a football game or tennis match. I find my solace getting out of the house alone whether I am going to Costco or catching up with am old friend. In the end we come back more refreshed and ready to work together.
However, Elizabet reminds us…

“It goes without saying, however, that we want to be chosen over our husband’s other activities and hobbies, and our husbands want to be chosen over ours, and so we have to guard against making idols of those things. In the hierarchy of values, Christ comes first, then our marriage and kids. Our work, friendships, and hobbies follow. It’s easy to lose perspective and give that which is easiest and most enjoyable too high a place on the scale of values.”

Let’s Talk about Sex

When I read this paragraph I couldn’t help laughing out loud.

“Conducting an informal survey of a group of Catholic women, I’ve concluded that many of us downplay the importance of our own pleasure in the married relationship. It’s easy to do. At the end of a day spent meeting the needs of our children or the demands of our jobs, our husbands can seem like one more person who wants something from us. We may feel tempted to fake climax, or to give up and get it over with. But we are not running a sex charity here.”

Okay, that’s the kind of stuff that makes my mom say we shouldn’t be discussing such things in public! There is a fine line between being open so we can learn how to live our vocation as wives better and sharing too much of what is a private matter between a husband and wife. I’ll try to be respectful while still offering what lessons I’ve learned.
For me, sexual intimacy is 10% physical and 90% mental and unless I am in a hotel room alone with my husband without the chance of getting interrupted by a little one, then I have to “prep” for our special times together. Elizabeth agrees!

“We have to prepare not only to give ourselves to our husbands, but also to receive them. Silence negative thinking. Reflect on his best attributes. Ask God for the grace of holy desire, for the gift of pleasure and relaxation. Thank him for the gift of your husband and your marriage.”

I love that. Elizabeth also has some great practical advice to keep things fun. Here are some of my tips that I have found helpful.

I heart phase 3. One of the complaints of NFP is that you can’t be spontaneous. Everything has to be “planned.” Well, we save our spontaneity for Phase 3 when we have a free pass, but little planning can boost, not lessen, the mood.

How do I love thee? To mentally prepare, sometimes when the kids are quiet or napping I’ll pull out an old journal from when I was dating Brian or an old love letter Brian wrote me. I stir up all those old love-sick feelings I had and before you know it I can’t wait for Brian to get home and so I can get my arms around him again. LOL.

Keep it light. Practically speaking, if I know we will have time to spend together I plan accordingly. I don’t schedule big cleaning and organizing projects and I don’t make meals that require lots of prep and lots of clean up.

Smelling good. I buy special soaps and lotions that Brian likes and only use them on our “date” nights. It puts us both in the mood.

Flirt in the kitchen. A stolen kiss, a playful touch or something whispered in the ear can let him know that you desire him and want to be with him. The restraint of doing nothing more than that builds the sexual tension and you look forward to the night together.

Keep a sense of humor. There is nothing like playful laughter to bring you together, especially when things are far from “perfect.”

Make a romantic bedroom. Okay, a confession. I had a hard time with this one. Back in April, Hallie at Betty Beguiles.com posted Building a Rockin’ Love Nest. She shared ideas of making the bedroom more romantic for you and your hubby. That post had been haunting me ever since. My bedroom had become a major “catch all” of junk. I read that post then went and looked around my bedroom. The view from my bed was basically this…

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(omg, Hoardersville, USA. I can’t believe I just posted this online but there’s nothing like a few acts of mortification and humiliation to keep you humble.)

Well, that did it. I was determined not to sleep until I cleared out all the junk and put everything away. By the end of the very long day it looked like this.

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Brian came home and he loved the clean room. (Ironically, I was too tired that night to “enjoy” it with him. haha)
But that actually brings me to the next problem. Although I have a clean bedroom again, Brian and I are rarely in it alone. We still have little ones sleeping in our room. How are you supposed to have a Rocking Love Nest when you share a family bed or have babies in cribs in your room?? Our solution, make the Love Nest mobile.

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I went to Target and found an inexpensive comforter and pillows in a cute design. I keep it rolled up in the closet and when the kids are asleep, we take our “bed” to another room (with a lock) and have our alone time – alone. For those days we can’t use our bedroom, it works out perfectly.
To sum it all up, I love Elizabeth’s paragraph:

“Sexual balance is really a search for peace — peace that comes from maintaining friendship with Christ, peace when body and soul are united, and peace with the world around us when we can turn an open and loving face to the people in our lives.”

That’s it for now. Feel free to share your thoughts and comments! Next time I’ll discuss Chapter 5 – Single and Seeking God’s Plan by Anne Mitchell.

Oh and don’t forget to share your posts for how you are growing physically, spiritually and emotionally. The link up is here.

PS – You can follow RoL on Bloglovin, Feedly or another news feed. If you are a social media fan like me, we can stay in touch through Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, GoodReads, Letterboxd or Instagram. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Book Discussion: Style, Sex, and Substance – (Chpt. 4 – Part 1: Sex & the Single Life)

I started this post on Wednesday but I didn’t get to finish it until today. Sorry for the delay!

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing a book study of Hallie Lord’s Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter .

Previous posts:

 

Book Discussion Part 4: Chapter 4 – Sex, Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Duffy

Since this chapter was about sex I am splitting it up in two sections. The first will be geared towards sex and the single female. Next week I’ll discuss the second half of the chapter which is geared towards sex and the married woman.

The Single Life – In some ways, my single life seems ages and ages ago. In other ways, I an still remember the struggles of being single and trying to live a chaste life. I grew up in a sheltered life and pretty much stayed out of trouble in grade school and high school. I went to Catholic schools and homeschooled a couple years in high school. However, in my early 20’s I drifted away from the church and God.

I still attended Mass to keep my parents appeased, but I was not living the Catholic faith spiritually or morally. Like many others, I wrongly believed that as long as I wasn’t actually having intercourse I could do anything else and still be considered a virgin. Eventually this kind of life was destroying me interiorly. I hated myself and the double life I was leading. Yet, I was weary of “turning over a new leaf” because I knew that eventually I’d fall back into my old sinful ways. By the grace of God, my heart was changed and I gave my life back to Christ and repented of my sins. Jesus was able to restore my life and show me a love I had never really experienced before.
Elizabeth sums up my feelings when she says:

“Once I developed a relationship with Christ, I was amazed by the inherent dignity and worth I found in his true love. Christ listens to our arguments, but doesn’t fight back. He doesn’t lie, pressure, or humiliate us. Having a relationship with him doesn’t require any compromise with virtue. If there is a way to live chastely as a single woman — and there is — it’s through him.”


The Effect of Sin
– “When I did turn my life around and came back to God I broke away from the people and places that led me to sin but the damage was already done. I struggled for a long, long time with being chaste and not falling into sin again.”
Elizabeth felt the same way:

“And yet, I still struggled with chastity. I knew sex before marriage was wrong, but I didn’t know what was considered appropriate physical contact. Many of us grew up thinking that anything goes, as long as you don’t have sex. But if anything goes, sex often follows. ‘How far is too far?'”

Elizabeth gave some great advice about setting boundaries while you are dating. I, too, had to eventually work through this and relearn what sex and chastity were all about. A few years back I wrote two articles for our website in regards to chastity. I reread them today and I still feel the same way so I posted them to the blog.

Chastity Part I – Living Chastely and Loving It (This was a synopsis of living chastely, no matter what your vocation of season in life.)

Chastity Part II: What If the Spirit Is Willing But the Flesh Is Weak? (This is practical advice that helped me with my struggles to be chaste.)

When You Find “The One” – I remember after my engagement, my mom talked with me and told me that now that we were engaged the temptation for Brian and me to be more intimate will be even stronger. I didn’t believe it would be any worse than it already was but later I found out, she was right! We made mistakes but thankfully, by the grace of God, (and I think my mom’s prayers!) we were able to wait to fully share our love on our honeymoon.
Elizabeth was able to do the same:

“We met for Mass after work. In the evenings, if the smooching got too hot and heavy, we’d stop to say the Rosary. Anything beyond kissing was a danger zone for us. We put a strategic plan in place to help us avoid sex before our wedding. Both of us had a gut feeling that God had chosen us, one for the other, and we wanted to honor his plan by staying faithful to his teaching.
Dating chastely, we were free to be at ease, to play, to be companions rather than lovers. We went for walks, made dinners, and hung out with our families. Our engagement was one of the happiest years of my life, and with the help of the sacraments our wedding night was the first time we were together.”


What If We Already Crossed the Line
– I remember getting an email one time from a girl who was engaged to be married but she and her fiancรฉ were already sexually active. They came to realize that they were wrong and they wanted to stop but were having a hard time. I emailed her some advice and she gave me permission to post the email online (without her real name.) In it you’ll find advice that I think would be beneficial for those who have fallen and those who want to prevent falling. Here’s the ink.

RoL Q&A: I’m Engaged and Really Struggling with Chastity…

Suffering from Past Sexual Abuse – Although this topic wasn’t mentioned in Elizabeth’s chapter, it has been on my mind and it seems appropriate to mention it here. For those girls and women who have suffered sexual abuse the road to true sexual freedom is much more difficult. I have never suffered such a heavy cross myself but someone close to me has and I have seen the damage it had on her physical, mental and spiritual well being. However, I have also seen the amazing power of God’s grace and healing in her life. Our Lord helped my friend out of the pit of darkness and despair and healed her heart so she could love purely once again. There is nothing too dark that the blood of Jesus cannot heal. It won’t be easy but it is certainly possible to feel whole once again.

There is a new book out by Dawn Eden and although I have not read it yet I have heard excellent reviews. It is called My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints and in it she shows how the lives of the saints have given her hope and aided her journey of spiritual healing after childhood sexual abuse.

You can also read Jennifer Fulwiler’s recent interview with Dawn Eden. I posted it here.

That’s all for now but feel free to post your comments or email me at rol@revolutionoflove.com.

PS – You can follow RoL on Bloglovin, Feedly or another news feed. If you are a social media fan like me, we can stay in touch through Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, GoodReads, Letterboxd or Instagram. ๐Ÿ˜‰

PPS – This post may contain affiliate links.


Book Discussion: Style, Sex, and Substance (Chpt. 3)

For the next few Weigh-in Wednesdays I’ll be doing a book study of Hallie Lord’s Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter .

Previous posts:
Chapter 1 – “How I Fell Out of My Minivan and Found Myself” by Jen Fulwiler.

Chapter 2 – “Style: Balance, Beauty and You” by Hallie Lord

Book Discussion Part 3: Chapter 3 – “God and Godiva” by Karen Edmisten

Two Concerns – When I write about prayer and the spiritual life, I find it difficult because I never know where the other person is at spiritually speaking. There are some Catholics who will say grace before meals and perhaps a quick prayer in the morning and the night. Then there are some who go to daily Mass, pray a daily rosary, attend weekly adoration, read the Bible and the Breviary. There is not much I can tell them that they don’t already know. On the contrary, I am the one who can learn from them.

So when I first saw that Karen Edmisten’s chapter was about prayer, two thoughts immediately came to mind. First, I hope she is not over-my-head spiritual and I get lost when she starts talking about locutions and whatnot. The second concern was what can she say that I haven’t already read a hundred times? I sighed and opened up the chapter anyway.

God Speaks – Just as I was about to start reading, Matthew (my one year old) started banging his toy on our flat screen TV. I looked up and could see the color of the TV screen go white at the spot where he was banging. Quickly I turn off the TV and took the toy away knowing that it would do little good because it is a game he enjoys playing. I tell him no, take the object away and get him interested in something else. He waits for me to walk away and then he runs back to the TV and bangs it with any object he can find. As I am looking at him exasperated, I can hear that “God voice” in my heart says, “You know, Bobbi. You are just like little Matthew. I tell you something. You listen for a few minutes then you are off doing your own thing again. You may have heard all that prayer stuff many times before but are you actually listening and following it? Are you so proficient that you have nothing left to learn?” Touchรฉ.

I’m Hooked – I return to the book and dig into Chapter 3, knowing that God has his lessons for me. My second concern that Karen would be too lofty was alleviated when I read advice like this:

“Theoretically, the when of prayer is simpler than the what. We pick a time, and we commune with God, right? Eh, not so fast there, missy. In my experience, life rarely goes as planned. We all keep waiting for that golden, magical moment when life will settle down, and everything will shimmer and waft dreamily into place. Listen to me very carefully: Life doesn’t settle down. Not on this side of heaven. Still, there are a few things we can do to help our messy, unshimmery lives run a little more smoothly.”

Oh, yeah. That’s a woman after my own heart! Seriously, I feel like skipping my comments and just tell you to go read her chapter for yourself. It is concise, down to earth and spot on. I can’t explain it any better than she already did and the Holy Spirit may highlight something to you that is completely different from what he wanted me to hear. It is a great overview and you can get other material to delve deeper into the areas that most struck you. Regardless, I’ll go ahead and share a couple things that touched me the most.

But I Already Know That – One of Karen’s opening paragraph’s sums up the whole need for this chapter:

“But no matter what the temptations, the solution to conquering them is the same: grace and prayer, the sacraments, accountability, spiritual support from others, and ongoing discernment to keep our relationship with God flourishing.”

She goes on to say:

“We know what it is. We know we need to do it. And we agonize over fitting it in. But without prayer, we haven’t got a prayer.”

That’s right. We’ve all heard it. We all know it. But like the little toddler with his mischievous ways, there is always something to learn or be reminded.
Karen talks about various forms of prayer but I especially enjoyed when she said to “embrace your vocation or current state in life.” She continues:

“Whether you’re single, married, or discerning a call to religious life, deliriously happy or a confused mess, offer it up to God. Give him every moment. Prayers and pleas muttered throughout the day (God loves intimate muttering, I’m sure of it) are a great way to stay in touch with him.”

This reminded me of a time last year when my brother was really sick and almost dying. He was on my mind all the time but we lived far apart and I couldn’t be near him. Instead I turned to God. In a previous post about it, I wrote:

“…with my brother on my mind so much I have been constantly turning my heart to God to pray for him or to just talk to God about what happens to be on my mind. It is a reminder of how I should always be – going about my work but aware of God’s presence with me. I noticed that when I had to stop what I was doing to tend to another toddler crisis, instead of complaining or having a fit of impatience, I just sighed and thought, “I do this for love of you, my Lord.”

I still think of that today and try to remember it. Karen gave some beautiful examples of how we can keep that prayer going throughout the day to day activities in our lives.

Visual Aids – Karen shares:

“My friend Johnna, a mother of eight, stations strategic visual reminders around her house to help her focus on her calling. ‘When I’m in the midst of chaos,’ she said, ‘which is our house most of the time, I need to see that I am not alone.’ The corporal works of mercy are labeled in various rooms of the house. A homemade sign exhorting, ‘Feed the hungry’ is taped to a cupboard. ‘Give drink to the thirsty’ is above the kitchen sink, and ‘Clothe the naked’ graces the washing machine. The time-out chair beckons, ‘Visit the Imprisoned.'”

I love that idea! We have a very (as my mother-in-law calls it) “Catholic house” meaning that people can tell we are Catholic by all the icons, religious pictures, statues and prayer altar. (Hopefully our actions prove the fact. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I am a very visual person so I like to keep an icon of Mary and baby Jesus on my kitchen window ledge and a cross on the kitchen wall and a crucifix and an icon of my patron saint (St. Anne) on my desk in front of my monitor so I always see it.

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In fact, I loved the Works of Mercy idea so much that I made a 5×7 sign, printed it on cardstock and posted it to the cabinet above my washing machine. It is a perfect reminder as I am washing the tenth load of laundry that day.

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Scheduling – Remember that first quote from Karen that I posted, that was from the section about making time for prayer. I am happy to say that I finally made it work with my confession time. I like to go to confession at the least once a month (more often when I am in need of extra grace.) It was always sort of hit and miss but now that Bella is old enough to come with me I had to make it a steady habit, for her as well as me. We decided to go every last Saturday of the month. It is on our calendar and Brian knows that he’ll babysit the boys while she and I go.
Just last Saturday (which was the last one of the month) I was already thinking, “Gosh, I have so many errands to do this Saturday. I want to get to Target first then head to Costco right at 9:30 AM when it opens… maybe I’ll just skip Confession and go next week (since confession also starts at 9:30 AM.) It’s not like I won’t go… I’m just waiting an extra week….” But I knew I couldn’t. Instead I rearranged my day so I could do to confession first then run my errands. Sure things were a little more hectic in the parking lot and crowded in the Costco aisles but my heart was able to take it since it was filled with grace. ๐Ÿ™‚ And it was a small act of love I could offer to God. (Yes, I am so low on the spiritual totem pole that forgoing an early trip to Costco counts as a sacrifice. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Accountability & Spiritual Friendships – That is an area I definitely need work on. I don’t have a formal spiritual director although I go to confession to the same priest who knows me and my family situation so he is able to guide me in my vocation. However, I don’t have female friends who I am really close to in order to discuss deeper, spiritual topics. I used to but it seems like since I was pregnant with Matthew we sort of fell out of touch. That is something I’ll have to rectify. I can talk more about that in the chapter about friendship.

Discernment – Karen briefly talks about the book Retreat with the Lord by Fr. John Hardon. The book offers simple steps for discernment based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. She gives bullet point categories of discernment that we should consider while praying. I found this really helpful since a mother’s life is full of prayer and discernment about herself, her family and those around her.

“My One Thing” – In the last section of Karen’s chapter she says:

“Though my life has been full of about-faces, since my conversion I can say one thing with confidence: I know who I am. Life is still messy, but I get that the goal in life is to will one thing: loving Jesus Christ.”

We should each have that one goal that is always at the forefront of our mind and at the center of our hearts in all that we do. As I mentioned in another previous post, lately my one goal has been to love Jesus and to be a comfort to him. I wrote:

“… I was at confession and the priest talked to me about being a comfort to Jesus. He told me to let my heart be a dwelling place that brings comfort to Christ… It is easy for me to call on Jesus and seek his help but something struck a nerve when the priest told me that I could console the heart of Christ. Since then I have often prayed, “Lord, may I never bring you grief, instead may I be a comfort to your heart.”

Sometimes I forget that but Karen’s chapter helped me to not only remember but it gave me practical means to put that into practice. So I guess I did have something to learn after all.
A special thanks to Karen for writing this chapter and sharing her wisdom and wit with us.

 


Book Discussion: Style, Sex, and Substance (Chpt. 2)

 
For the next few weeks I’ll be doing a book study of Hallie Lord’s Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter . You can read comments for Chapter 1 here.

Book Discussion Part 2: Chapter 2 – “Style: Balance, Beauty and You” by Hallie Lord.

When I first saw that this chapter was about style, I immediately thought that I wouldn’t get much out of it. After all, I pictured “Ms. Betty Beguiles” to be the epitome of a womanly wife – feminine, flirty (to her hubby, that is!) and godly, all dressed in a cute dress and heels. I think we all have our own little vision in our head of what a “stylish” wife should look like. Maybe we fit the image or maybe, like me, you seem far from it.

My Style (or lack of it) – As I was reading Hallie’s chapter the first time around, I couldn’t help but think back to how my style has developed over the years. I have always been…what did they call it…big boned…pretty plus…yeah, whatever they called it, I was not wearing the cute little outfits my skinny friends were wearing. As I got older I loved stylish clothes but was very limited to what I could find that fit me well. I think I compensated for it by becoming an expert at accessorizing – jewelry, handbags, shoes. Those things I could find without worrying about size.

Slowly I moved away from that, though, and the other day I was trying to figure out why. In my late teens and early twenties I started exploring more of the world. I grew up very naive and somewhat secluded. I made new friends who had a big influence on me and I fell away from God. My friends were either into dark clothing, tattoos and piercings (long before it became mainstream) or they were into skateboards and punk music. At that point my mode of dress was plaid shorts, converse shoes (or doc martens) and a band t-shirt. My favorite colors were navy blue, army green and brown. (Sounds a little military.) I would have rather died than go out in public in something pink or frilly! That slowly changed (as I mention later) but even after marrying I have always gravitated towards being more tomboy.

When I first started reading Hallie’s blog I loved how she embraced her femininity without seeming “prissy.” Over the last couple of years, I have finally let go of that more “tomboy” mentality. I still hate wearing dresses or skirts and run from any shoe that has a heel more than ยฝ an inch but I can now say my favorite colors are red, orange and yellow – bright and happy colors. I like wearing pink and buying things that are less boyish and more “cute.” I have definitely been influenced by Hallie and her website Betty Beguiles.com and have learned to better embrace my feminine side.

Okay, enough of my thoughts about Hallie and style in general, now I’ll comment on the book.

Conversion and the “New” You – The beginning topic reaffirms what was discussed by Jen in Chapter 1. Speaking of her own conversion and the need to change Hallie says:

“But, of course, giving up our identity isn’t what [God] asks of us, is it? Yes, we are called to constant conversion. Yes, we are called to become more Christ-like. But we are not called to jettison our personalities and passions.”

Again, God is reminding me that I am my own unique person. Daily conversion doesn’t require me to erase who I am; rather, it takes the essence of me and makes it better. It reminds me of a saying that my mom always said, “God loves you just the way you are, but He also loves you too much to leave you that way.” The Holy Spirit wants to guide us and mold us into incredible women of God but women of God with our own unique quirks and tastes. I picture it like walking through a garden. Some flowers are stately and regal roses. Some are delicate orchids. Some playful daisies. Some sturdy but cheerful sunflowers. Each flower is different but equally beautiful in its own way.

Does Modesty = Prairie Skirts? – Hallie makes an excellent point in sharing that sometimes we can mistake being “modest” for being “dowdy.” I know that when I was younger and my parents came back to the faith and started really practicing it, they made a lot of changes in the house. This was the same time I went through my own conversion so I agreed to make drastic changes. It was not easy for me to go from wearing shorts and converse to wearing long prairie skirts and ridiculously large pocket tees. But we thought that was what God wanted. Thankfully, we came to realize that we don’t have to go from one extreme to the other. There is a happy medium and although it may take a little work, a faithful Catholic can marry style and modesty together.

Confidence Booster – Hallie talks about makeover shows and the power of transformation. She says:

“She is the same person she always was, but her new physical appearance brings forth elements of herself that were hidden before — elements that have the potential to effect change not only in her own life, but in the lives of all with whom she comes into contact.”

That is so true! It can be something very simple or something drastic. I remember a year or two ago my sister came back from the hair salon and she looked fabulous. I was again complaining about my hair using such terms as “rat’s nest” and “brillo pad.” She laughed and said that we had basically the same type of hair and that I should get it professionally cut instead of using the kitchen sheers to hack off a couple inches every 6 months. I conceded but it wasn’t easy.

I don’t know why (and I laugh at it now) but I had the hardest time doing it. First I didn’t know where to go. Second, I didn’t want to spend the money. Third, I just felt stupid trying to fix myself up. (Maybe that was some of the tomboy residue in me.) Finally, I found a convenient place with a sweetheart of a stylist who understood my crazy, curly hair and I worked it into our budget to see her on a more regular basis. I remember coming out of the salon trying to remember when was the last time I actually loved my hair! I told that to Brian when I got home and he gave me that smile that men give their wives that says, “I don’t get what the big deal is but if you are happy then I am happy too.” Feeling good about yourself will definitely affect how you relate to yourself, your family and those around you.

Vanity of Vanities – Hallie gives some excellent points in regards to the difference between caring for yourself and getting caught up in vanity. Although I could not relate to her need to dress like June Cleaver (I break out in hives at the mere thought of wearing heels) I could definitely relate to the need to examine our motives. As women, I think this is especially important. Whether we are tomboys or divas, there is always the potential for doing things for the wrong reasons. Whether it is working out in the gym to the extreme so you will look hot in a two piece bikini at the beach. Or maybe it’s putting on some extra makeup to impress the cute dad who frequents the same park or play group. Or maybe it’s in the opposite direction and letting yourself look tired and frumpy so your husband won’t make any physical advances at you that night. Okay, these examples may seem far fetched in our particular situations but we are all guilty of doing things for the wrong reasons and if we ask God he’ll enlighten our hearts to let us know if we are on the right path or need a little work.

Balance – I love Hallie’s explanation of having different seasons in our lives. For me the most trying season is with a newborn. On those days getting in a shower every other day was a cause for rejoicing. That would be what she calls a “survival season.” (Now that the baby is one year old my season has eased up considerably.) I love this paragraph here:

“I think I understand balance better these days. It’s a constant struggle as seasons of plenty and of want come and go, as hormones fluctuate, and as life throws new challenges in my direction. But this much I know: We women have got to find a way to be merciful toward ourselves without completely throwing in the towel; to surrender to the hard times while still fighting for our ideals; and to remain open to God’s grace while accepting that sometimes that grace isn’t going to look and feel how we might hope. So how do we do this? With a whole lot of prayer and a few good habits.”

Perfectly stated. I also liked Hallie’s recommendation of doing one small thing for yourself each day to boost our well being. On some days my treat is still to let Brian watch the kids so I can take an uninterrupted shower. Or it will be to drive to Costco all by myself with the radio blaring. Other times it is having a half hour to post on the blog and clear my head through writing. My biggest struggle is maintaining that balance. There will be days I give and give and give until I am about to lose it. Other times I rationalize that I need some “me time” and go on the internet only to find that two hours later I haven’t done the laundry, washed the dishes, changed diapers or started dinner. So for me, I work on balancing getting my responsibilities done and still having a little break for myself.

A Healthier Me – Hallie stated:

“Every woman’s physical needs are going to manifest themselves differently. At a bare minimum, though, we ought to be striving for four things: healthy eating, regular exercise, adequate rest, and occasional peaceful pampering.”

This is the area I reeeally struggle with! It is hard to make time to exercise! Even this morning as I was getting the kids ready for school I kept arguing with myself that I should skip my exercise this morning because I have a,b,c,d,e,f,g… to accomplish before the day is over. Yet, I knew I had to keep exercise a priority and not automatically shove it under the bus. I was tired and wasn’t in the mood but I persevered and got it done. As usual, I felt much better when I was done and somehow managed to still complete the other things I needed to do. (Or, at least came pretty darn close.) I am still struggling with the healthy eating but I am slowly making progress at making better choices. After all I used to consider ketchup and apple pie as two servings of fruits and vegetables. (Oops, did I just admit that out loud?) So I’ve come a long way but still have a longer way to go. But one step at a time. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Well, this took a little longer than I anticipated to write down but I am glad I did it. It helped me sort it out in my head. But the kids are now tugging at my feet so I better sign off. Have a great afternoon! (And xoxo to sweet Hallie. ๐Ÿ˜‰


Book Discussion of Style, Sex, and Substance, Chpt. 1

As I mentioned last week, for the next few weeks I’ll be doing a book study of Hallie Lord’s Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter . I had been making notes over the week but yesterday I was ready to forget the whole idea.

Yesterday was an awful day. Seriously, it wasn’t the usual busy and stressful day of mishaps. It was different and I couldn’t put my finger on why. When Brian came home I went to my room, locked the door and begged God to help me and literally cried myself to sleep. I haven’t felt like that in a long, long time.

A half an hour later I opened my eyes and came out of the room like a weight was off me. Brian hugged me and asked if the demons had been attacking me. It clicked. That is exactly what it felt like. The interior struggles were like familiar demons that I have not battled in a long time. In my experiences, usually when there is a “spiritual attack” it means God is preparing a turning point… some good fruit that will come out of a particular situation.

I am not sure what that situation is. Maybe it’s my own personal growth as I am studying this book. Maybe it’s the trip Bella and I are taking tomorrow. Maybe it’s something I am not yet aware of. Whatever it is, yesterday I thought I’d never post this book discussion because I was the last person that should be sharing lessons with you. But now that the fog has lifted and I am at peace again, I’ll go ahead and post what I’ve written so far. If you haven’t read the book yet, hopefully it will encourage you to pick up a copy. It truly will be one of the best $10 you ever spent. ๐Ÿ™‚

Book Discussion Part 1: Chapter 1 – How I Fell Out of My Minivan and Found Myself

I love Jennifer Fulwiler’s writings and was pleased to see that she covered the first chapter of the book: How I Fell Out of My Minivan and Found Myself. After wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes from her Dukes of Hazzard’s van story, I was hooked by this paragraph.

“I had a specific idea of what the authentic Catholic woman was like: She was the picture of joy and grace every time she went to Mass and always had an emotionally powerful experience upon receiving the Eucharist; she kept her home tidy; and she joyfully crafted elaborate celebrations for each liturgical season.”

I could relate to Jen’s feeling of inadequacy. In fact, this is a topic God has been drilling into me for the last 9 months. It all started last summer when I wrote the post Those Perfect Catholic Moms Are Killing Me. I had been reading a number of Catholic mom blogs and seeing all their accomplishments at homemaking and motherhood was making me feel like a loser.

As days and weeks passed I told myself that I can’t help it if I was messy and disorganized and that I couldn’t sew a button or keep a plant alive more than a week. So what if I get impatient and fired up at the slightest mishap, especially on the days when I forgot to spend time in prayer because I was too busy checking my facebook and emails. That’s just how I am.

But it was bothering me. Is that it? Am I to resign myself to “just being myself.” I knew there was plenty of room for improvement. Then I started reading the book The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers – Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity by Meg Meeker, MD.and the first Habit was called Understand Your Value as a Mother. In my post about it I talked about feeling inferior, rediscovering my talents and listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. In one part I wrote:

“It’s funny that once I stopped comparing myself to my perceived super moms (after all, I am seeing a tiny, sanitized glimpse of their lives,) I started seeing that I possessed some of those same talents that I admired in them. It is as if my creative side woke up. I started posting on my blog again because I love having an outlet to write. I’ve tried new recipes and found cooking fun again. I’ve started organizing small sections of the house and realized I, too, could be organized. (Relatively speaking. ;-)”

That got me to thinking – what is “me” and what’s a warped vision of me? Then I read Jen’s words:

“To uncover your unique brand of holiness, you have to sift through your God-given quirks and talents from your sins.”

Suddenly the light bulb clicked on. That’s it! (If I was an Oprah fan I’d say it was my AHA! moment.) That’s what the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me! Separate the quirks from the sins. I had my own unique calling and vocation that matched my personality and my temperament. I didn’t have to become a carbon copy of mom A, B or C. I just had to be the best version of me and slowly God is showing me how to achieve that.
Jen sums it up using one of my favorite quotes:

“St. Catherine of Siena famously stated, “Be who God meant you to be, and you will set the world on fire.” We tend to focus on the second, more dramatic part of the statement, but the first is just as important: Be who God meant you to be. Embrace the one-of-a-kind brand of holiness that God has chosen for you. Reject your sins, but love your quirks.”

Perfectly stated.

At the end of the chapter, there are a number of questions for deeper reflection. I’ll share one of the questions and my reflection with you.

#4. What saint has challenged your ideas about what holy people are like? What did he or she do that surprised you?

A saint that forever changed the way I think about holiness is St. Francis de Sales. My old parish was named after him and I remember the pastor once giving a talk about his life. He said St. Francis was known as the “gentle saint.” He was a model of kindness and patience in guiding souls to Christ. He said this was ironic because St. Francis actually had a fiery, sometimes violent, temper and it did not take a lot to set him off. However, with God’s grace he was able to tame his temper, transforming his greatest fault into his greatest strength.

This also reminds me of what a priest once told me in confession years ago. I was struggling with certain temptations and feeling overwhelmed by them. He said that if we surrender ourselves to God and rely on his grace, we can turn our biggest weakness or sinful tendencies into the very path that will lead us to heaven. He gave me the example of St. Mary Magdalene. She was a prostitute, a woman undoubtedly who dealt with sins of immorality. Yet, when she gave heart to Jesus and repented of her sins, something in her shifted.

Mary Magdalene found false love in the men she was involved with, but with Jesus, she found true and pure love. Her desire became not to please men but to please Jesus. We know that she succeeded in purifying her heart and loving Christ deeply because she was granted the grace to be the first person to witness the risen Lord. Like St Francis de Sales her weakness was transformed into her strength. It doesn’t mean that they did not struggle but they relied on God’s grace and they slowly became their “true” selves.

Now that I am following Jen’s advice of separating my sins from my unique quirks, God is helping me to overcome those sinful tendencies. When I fail I like to remember St. Francis de Sales. I’m encouraged to know that God’s grace can do anything so I pick myself back up and continue on the path chosen for me.

The next post about the book:

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