I have had a number of friends and acquaintances suffer miscarriages lately so I thought I’d post my pregnancy journal from our first miscarriage. Perhaps reading it will help another mom know that she is not alone in her pain and that there is hope in the end.
January 22, 2005
My dear little one, Today is a blessed day for we first learned of your existence. This morning I suspected a small possibility that I could be pregnant. I had “suspected” it numerous times over the last year and every time I was wrong. I really did not think today would be any different. I took the pregnancy test then laid it down. I said a Hail Mary asking Our Lady to help me accept God’s will. Then I casually glanced at the test truly believing it was just another negative answer. I did a double-take when I saw two lines showing that it was positive. I was shocked. I could not believe it. It couldn’t be true! But suddenly everything started to make sense – I had gained a few pounds and I was feeling really run down and nauseated lately. All of this because you have started to grow in me. YOU – new life from God. Such a blessing after so much waiting!
Well, the next this to do was to tell your Daddy. I quickly showered then went into the family room to say good morning. (Thankfully it is Saturday so your Daddy is home.) After kissing him good morning I sat down to talk. I told him that I finally figured out why I gained a few pounds. He asked why and I pointed to my stomach saying, “There’s a bambino growing in here!” “What!?” he exclaimed, “Are you sure? How do you know? Are you okay?” I assured him that it was true and that I was fine. He stood there a minute as the news seemed to finally sink in – we were having a baby. A huge grin swept over his face and he hugged me and held me close. I cried in his arms with tears of joy. I did not deserve to be so blessed by God.
We have been waiting many, many months for you to come, my little one. It has been our constant prayer. Even your sister Bella has been praying every morning that God would send us a little baby. And now He has. Blessed be God! I love you, my little one.
January 26, 2005
My dear little one, I still cannot believe that God has blessed us with your presence. I took another pregnancy test this morning to make sure it was really true! And it is. My body is really starting to feel pregnant as well. I am feeling more queasy and I get a lot more tired, particularly by the end of the day.
On Monday I called the doctor and made an appointment for February 15. I can’t wait until I get my first look at you and the doctor tells me you’re okay. After the appointment we’ll share the news with your Oma and Opa and your Grandma and Grandpa. Everyone is going to be so excited! I love you, my little one.
January 28, 2005
My dear little one, Today I am up in the mountains at my yearly silent retreat. It is a beautiful time for me to be alone with Christ and deepen my love for Him. Although good, it is difficult being away from your Daddy and your sister Bella. I miss them very much. However, it has brought me comfort to know that I am not here alone – you are present with me here at this retreat. You are nestled safe inside me growing and getting stronger each day.
We have been waiting so long for you, my little one. I am so thankful to God for the miracle of your presence. You have brought us such joy, my little one. I love you very much. May God watch over you and keep you safe.
January 30, 2005
My dear little one, My retreat ended today. There was a special closing Mass and I promised God to do my best to try and be a holy wife and mother. It has been a time of great grace for me. However, graces and blessings from God also mean a greater responsibility on my part to live out my vocation as a Christian. God has blessed me with so much, my little one, I pray I can serve Him with a humble and loving heart in return.
The whole time at Mass I kept thinking that you were there to share this moment with me. You would be bonded to me in a special way since this moment meant a lot to me. When I received Our Lord in the Holy Eucharist I knew you were receiving Him too. What a beautiful thought. May you always love and serve God with all your heart, my little one. Stay close to Him always. I love you.
February 1, 2005
My dear little one, Today I shared the wonderful news with your aunt. We are going to visit your Grandma and Grandpa in a few weeks and we want to surprise them with the news of your arrival. They have been long praying for you, my little one, and they will be so excited. It is so hard to keep your presence to myself. I want to share the happy news with everyone but I think it best to wait just a bit longer. I love you, my little one.
February 2, 2005
My dear little one, Today is the feast of the Presentation. This evening we all went to Mass and there was a special ceremony with prayers and lit candles to celebrate the day. I was so happy to be there together – the four of us. I cannot wait until the day when I can hold you in my arms and kiss your little cheeks. I love you, my little one.
February 4, 2005
My dear little one, Today is the First Friday and as usual we met with a number of other moms and their kids to attend Mass and play in the park afterwards. Mrs. P was there with her little baby boy, our godson. Bella loves the little baby and always asks if she can hold him and kiss his little head. She is eager to be a big sister, my little one. Afterwards in the car I told her that we’d have a little baby of our own in a few months. She asked, “Can I keep the baby? Can I hold him?” I told her yes and she chatted away about having a little baby. We all love you, my little one.
February 7, 2005
My dear little one, Today I had to call the doctor because there has been some slight spotting. I am very nervous because it is always in the back of my mind, “What if…” The doctor told me not to worry that it may be nothing. I did spot some when I was pregnant with Bella but this just seems different. But I’ll put my trust in God and hope for the best. Blessed Mother, please give me strength to accept God’s will and take care of our little baby. I love you, my little one.
February 8, 2005
My dear little one, Today has been such a difficult day. I cannot stop crying at the thought that I may be losing you. I am only seven weeks pregnant and I have only known you a few of those weeks but my heart is already so attached to you, my little one. I took Bella to Opa’s house because I was not feeling well at all. Late this afternoon I kept crying and I had to finally stop and kneel before God. I opened up my Bible and read from a page at random. It was Isaiah 49: 13 – 15.
Sing for joy, O heavens, and exalt O earth;
Break forth, O mountains, into singing!
For the Lord has comforted his people, and will have compassion on his afflicted.
But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, my Lord has forgotten me.”
“Can a woman forget her suckling child, that she should have no compassion on the son in her womb?”
Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
From the window the sun was close to setting and the rays were shining on my tears. My heart was filled with peace and I was finally able to stop crying. I know that you will be okay, my little one. I know that God will get both of us through this. Even if God is to call you back to Himself, I know he will give me the strength to handle it. My heart breaks at the thought but I pray above all else that God’s love will see us though. I love you, my little one. And I love you, my Lord. Thank you for your mercy.
February 9, 2005
Today is the first day of Lent and what I am offering up to God right now is my aching heart. This “not knowing” is killing me. A few hours will pass when everything looks okay and I am hopeful that you are alright. Then things will look bleak once again. Unless there is a major change I will just have to wait it out until our first prenatal appointment on Tuesday but that is six days away!
My little one, the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes is coming up on Friday. It has always been a special day to me because many years ago Our Lady helped me to turn my life around on that day. She has been very instrumental in my conversion. I have pleaded with Our Lady that she give us an answer by her feast day. If you are to stay with us then may all this spotting cease and everything be okay. If God is calling you home, then may she take you personally to Him and give us the grace to endure it. I am confident that Our Lady will answer us, my little one. She has always been so good to us. May her mantle be around us all. I love you.
February 10, 2005
My dear little one, Lent has just begun yet it will be one that I will never forget for Christ has asked us to not only carry the cross but to nail ourselves to it with Him. I feel at one with Our Blessed Mother who had to watch her Son slowly die before her eyes.
This morning when I woke up and there was no doubt in my mind that we were losing you. The spotting has now become bleeding. I see no hope, my little one. Your Daddy stayed home with me today and I am so thankful for I couldn’t get through this without him. Although he is taking this hard for he loves you so much, he has been a great strength to me. Together we had been praying that you would be spared but through it all your Daddy has been reminding me that we must trust in God. I called the doctor, my little one, and he will see me this afternoon. Then we will know for sure.
I have been thinking about something, my little one and while it is best to tell your Oma and Opi after the fact, I will have to tell your Grandma and Grandpa about this right away. Being my own mama, Grandma will want to pray for me and share this heartache with me. She will be heartbroken, my little one. I pray God gives her strength. There are also a number of close friends who are praying for us. It is only a matter of time, my love.
My dear little one, We went to the doctors this afternoon and he confirmed our fears. I didn’t cry when he told us because I knew it was happening but the look on your Daddy’s face (he was in there with me) is one I’ll never forget. I think he was holding out for a miracle but it was not to be this time.
Later when we arrived home, my love, your little body left mine. I am just numb. I don’t think I have any tears left to cry at this point – at least not until my body replenishes them. My emotions are so mixed. I am thankful to Our Lady for answering my prayer. I know she is now holding you in her arms and caring for you. You could not ask for anything better.
But pray for me, my little one. I ache for you. I feel so empty without you here with us. Right now I just want to be alone with your Daddy and Bella. I can’t answer the phone or call anyone or I will lose it. Give me strength, my dear Lord. I do thank God for all the countless people praying for us. I can feel God’s grace holding us up. Blessed be God in his mercy, even in times of sorrow.
My dear little one, I had to call your Grandma before the night was over. I needed to hear her voice and I knew she wanted to hear mine. Grandma knows just what I am feeling now because she lost three of her own babies before they were born. It was a comfort to talk to her and I was able to do so without breaking down. God’s grace is strong, my little one. Grandma and your Aunt B offered to drive up here to be with us and help out however they can. I truly appreciated the offer but I think right now it is best for me, Daddy and Bella to spend this time alone to comfort one another.
However, we will carry on with our plan to visit Grandma & Grandpa and the family in a week. In the meantime our spirits will be united in prayer as we turn to Our Lord and Lady. Thank you, my heavenly Father.
February 11, 2005 – Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes
My dear little one, I guess there is really no need to write in my journal to you anymore but it is helpful to me to express myself, even if this will never be given to you. But from where you are, you will understand what I am saying anyway.
Your Daddy talked to Oma and Opa and told them what happened. They were very sad, my little one. I will talk to them in a day or two. Right now I cannot talk to anyone. We have been receiving a number of phone calls and messages and people are wondering if we’re okay because they haven’t heard from us. I finally wrote up a letter to email to everyone explaining what happened. Here is what it said:
As many of you know, we have been praying for a long time that God would bless us with another child. Our prayers were finally answered and a new life was granted to our family. For a number of weeks we overjoyed with the prospect of a new baby.
However, this past week we suspected that God may be calling our baby to Himself. Yesterday, it was finalized. Our baby left my body and is now with God in heaven. It has been an unbelievably difficult time, particularly since Tuesday was to be our first prenatal appointment and followed by our plans to surprise the perspective grandparents with the news.
Although our hearts are heavy with grief, I must say that this burden has been incredibly lighter through your prayers and the grace of God. I would often read of saints or holy people speak of suffering as a great blessing but I could not understand how such a thing could be possible. I am far from holy but I think I have gotten a tiny taste of what that means.
The other night I could not sleep and I lay in bed thinking and praying. I pondered over my life and how many graces and blessing God has poured out on me. I thought of trials I have endured in the past and during those times I often thought of Jesus in the Garden asking, “Lord, if it be your will let this cup pass over me.” I, too, prayed that I would be spared. More often than not, I was spared. I felt like Abraham ready of sacrifice his Isaac but at the last minute it was always revealed that the mere offering was enough. I need not actually make the sacrifice. Yesterday, however, God asked for sacrifice of our child to become a reality.
Perhaps I should be angry with God, at least temporarily, but I am not. God has been so good to me. I have been granted tremendous mercy and numerous graces in my life. And now God has finally given me the chance to truly make an offering of love to Him. Placing our child back into God’s hands is my way of being able to show God that I appreciate all his blessings and I trust in his goodness in both the good and sorrowful times.
But before you even think of making any comments on my “strength” know that it is not me. Left to my own devices I’d be a wailing drama queen. (As those who know me well could attest.) I know firmly within my heart that it is the grace of God, particularly those received through your prayers. And I must say that Brian has been a pillar of strength and trust in God, even through his own grief and pain. Even little Bella, not quite understanding what’s going on, will place her little arms around my neck, kissing me telling me, “It’s okay, Mama.” God is present and comforting me everywhere I turn.
I also can’t help but remember that in the end, our children are not our own. They are given to us with the responsibility that we raise them as holy children as best we can so that one day they may be united with God in heaven. Now we know that we have at least one little saint in heaven who is praying and waiting for us to join him in heaven. That is a great blessing. There will always be an emptiness in our hearts that misses our little baby and we still have a great deal of sorrow but at the same time there is also a great deal of peace. Our Lady, on this beautiful feast day, has wrapped her mantle around us and has given us great comfort and strength.
We thank you once again for your prayers, concern and offerings of help (from bringing food to babysitting Bella.) It has touched us that so many people have us in their hearts. Please forgive us for not answering our phone right now or calling you back yet. We think it best that the three of us spend the next couple of days comforting one another and celebrating the blessing we have in each other. Emotions are still a little raw to talk on the phone. We will however, be available through email. (I have learned to weep and type quite well now.) We’ll meet soon and share those hugs I know you are waiting to give. Our love and prayers go out to you as well. Thank you again.
With love and trust in Our Lord and Lady,
Bobbi & Brian (& Bella)
“We know that in everything God works for good with those who love Him who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
My little one, afterwards we received many beautiful messages of condolences and one family actually sent us flowers for you. It may seem odd to the secular world that we are mourning you or that others are acknowledging that mourning. They may argue that you were only a few weeks old or that it would be different had you actually been born then died, but that is besides the point. You were a miracle of life at the moment of your conception. You will always be a part of our family and we look forward to the day when we can see you in person and hold you in our arms. Good bye, my little one, I love you.
The weeks following were difficult, especially on the day I was to have my first prenatal. On the outside I seemed okay but on the inside I was mad at everyone. Thankfully, those feelings never lasted long and were never aimed at God. My heart still aches at times and I couldn’t stop the tears as I was typing what was in my journal but God has been good to us. The days of and following the miscarriage were cold and rainy outside. It seemed appropriate weather but rain has always been symbolic to me of God’s grace. And it was surely pouring down on us during this entire time.
I cherish those few weeks that I spent with our little son. From the moment I learned I was pregnant I felt strongly that it was a little boy (Brian did too.) I had already been calling him a junior – “Baby Brian” – in my mind. Brian, however, liked the name “Victor” which is his middle name (and a name with a history in his family.) So we compromised and named our little angel Victor Brian.
I still miss my little one but I am at peace and thankful for the grace God gave me to endure it. There is always a reason for why things happen and only God knows the full picture. I trust Him completely that this sorrowful event has a meaning and purpose in God’s divine providence. And even though a few tears may escape me now and then, I am happy to know my little one is in the hands of Our Lady, praying for the day when he is joined by his daddy, mama, sister Bella and any other siblings that may follow. Blessed be God now and forever.
It’s been nearly seven years since I went through this and as I reread this now, all the pain and grief has swept over me as if it were fresh and I’m just sobbing. I thought I was long past feeling that deep hurt but I guess the pain never completely goes away. We did suffer a second miscarriage the following year – a baby we named Joseph. Our two babies are in heaven now and we ask them to pray for their mom, dad and four other siblings so that one day we all can join them in our eternal home.