Revolution of Love

Revolution of Love

Do small things with great love.

Theme of 2014: Work and Pray

For the last two years I have had a theme word or phrase for the year. For 2012 the word was “homemaking.” I didn’t plan it that way. It just happened. For 2013 it was “loving God” and it matched the new blog design and logo. I have been thinking about 2014 and one word kept popping into my head and it was “Discipline.” Not exactly what I wanted to hear. On the other hand, it made sense because by the end of December I felt like a wild 2 year old hopped up on birthday cake sugar. All the festivities had me eating too much, spending too much, playing too much, and whatever ever else too much I shouldn’t be doing. I can feel the desperate need for a little reigning in and disciplining.

As I was pondering all this I clicked over to Jen’s Saint Name Generator and said a prayer before receiving my randomly chosen saint for the year. I was given St. Benedict. The first thing that came to my mind? His motto – work and pray. It was as if the Holy Spirit was kicking me in the rear and letting me know what was ahead but I was still dragging my feet. It wasn’t exactly exciting. I was reading other blogs and they had really cool words. Jenny had Delight  and Sarah had Rest (in the Lord) and even Jen had something about going out and having fun. This morning I was seriously thinking about ditching the whole idea or just picking another word. But then the Holy Spirit let me know WHY I was given “work and pray.”

Today Brian went for his routine testing to make sure he is still cancer free. (If you recall, I talked about his cancer in our annual Christmas letter.) My father-in-law took him this morning and I took care of getting the kids to school etc. Then Brian called me from the doctor’s office to break the news that the cancer has returned. We were in shock. When we went through this last January, after the surgery and his recovery the doctor said everything looked great and he had a 90% chance of remaining cancer free. He went for his follow up tests 6 months later and again, everything looked good. But now it is back. In the same area and at the same size. Brian couldn’t believe it. The doctor couldn’t believe it.

So now Brian has to go through surgery once again. Plus, we are praying that the tumor is only at stage 1 (possibly 2) because if it is any more advanced he will also need to have chemo. I pray to God we will not have to go through that.

I have a very vivid imagination. A person can tell me one thing and my mind will automatically play out the whole scene in my head. So I think to myself, “My husband has cancer,” and my mind then thinks, “what if…” and I can see the funeral and the kids in tears and me being despondent like Lady Mary unable to cope with the loss of her love. Until I snap myself out of it and say, “Get a grip.” There is work to be done and kids to be taken care of and a husband that needs my support…I need to get to work…and I need to pray. Aha! Now I get it. The Holy Spirit was giving me a heads up. I need to work and pray.

It was the only way I was able to get through the rest of this day. It is the only way I will get through the days and weeks ahead. I don’t know how big this cross will be but I’m trying not to worry abut it and just focus on doing what needs to be done right now.

In the meantime, I ask you to please, please keep us in your prayers. I will keep you posted as to how things are going.

(I’m linking up with Jenny for “Naming the New Year.”)

UPDATE: Dear Diary: Chronicling the Last Few Days (and an update on Brian)

PS – You can follow RoL on Bloglovin, Feedly or another news feed. If you are a social media fan like me, we can stay in touch through Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, GoodReads or Instagram. 😉


Pinterest Party & Link-up (Vol 15): Advent & Christmas Edition

Welcome to the RoL Pinterest Party. Join me every 2nd Tuesday (yeah, I’m a little late 😉 ) as we link up and share how we made, cooked, baked, crafted, did, or created one of the pins on our Pinterest boards OR share something original that others can pin onto their boards.

* * * * *

Happy feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe! Happy middle of the second week of Advent!

As usual, I am late in posting my yearly Advent round-up but thankfully, no matter how much you have been slacking in the Advent department, there is still plenty of time to make the most of the next couple of weeks. If you are feeling overwhelmed, just pick one simple thing to do that will help you and your family.

For the rest of you that are on the ball, please link up your Advent and Christmas posts for this month’s Pinterest Party! (For the time being I am going to make the party once a month. If my schedule clears in the future I’ll go back to twice a month.) I love to read your ideas and see your crafts and learn about your recipes. It can be for Advent OR the Christmas season and does not have to be “religious”. So please share!

Okay, for my contribution, this is my pin – “Keeping Christ in Christmas” Advent Ideas. 🙂

 

The Advent Wreath

Last year we finally needed to make a new Advent wreath since ours was falling apart. After Christmas, I went to Target and picked up a door wreath on clearance. I also replaced our pathetic candle holder that never kept our candles straight no matter what tricks I tried. I finally managed to find three thick purple candles and one pink. Toppling candle problem solved. (It also lessened the boys’ desire to pick them up and use them like swords.)

For daily prayers, we use Sarah Reinhard’s book  Welcome Baby Jesus: Advent and Christmas Reflections for Families. It only cost $1.99 at Amazon (and $0.99 on Kindle) but it has wonderful daily reflections that are simple enough for the kids to understand.

In a perfect world, each night we gather around the Advent wreath, light the candle(s), read the day’s reflection out of the book, and say our night prayers. However, it was hit and miss since evenings are hectic with homework, bathing, getting the boys to bed early, prep for the next morning, etc. Family evening prayer was just not happening. So Brian suggested we switch our prayer to before we say our dinner grace. It is the one time in the day when we are always all together at the same time. It has worked out a lot better! Some days we use the reflection book. Other days Brian says a short spontaneous prayer. The main thing is that we are praying something together.

The Advent Calendar

Last year I found this country house Advent calendar at Target and I loved it! I printed out the Children’s Advent Calendar from Loyola Press (they also have one for adults) then I simply cut up the calendar and put the little paper square into the corresponding day. So each day we had one sacrifice or act of kindness that everyone in the family would do.

Each night after our evening/dinner prayers we open the following day’s box and read what we’ll do that day. After we read the activity we then place the slip of paper in Jesus’ stocking. (See below.) At the end of Advent, Jesus has 25 little gifts that we offered for him.

During dinner, when everyone has to share one thing about their day, they can also share how their activity went. (For example, yesterday we had to be a peacemaker so instead of losing my temper and yelling at the kids, I first went into my room and screamed into my pillow, then came out of my bedroom and corrected the boys calmly. They got a kick out of that one.)

If you are looking for a nativity box, Amazon has a pretty  Wooden Nativity Advent Calendar with 24 Magnetic Figures. Or if you prefer a wall calendar there is the cute Little People Nativity Advent Calendar. But you certainly don’t need to spend money on these activities! You can make a simple Advent chain out of construction paper, such as the Advent Chain from CatholicMom.com.

 

The Jesus’ Stocking/ Gift Box

Years back we bought a pretty gold stocking that would be for Jesus. During Advent we all have been making small sacrifices for the Child Jesus and placing those little sacrifices in his stocking. The day before Christmas the kids make and decorate birthday cards for Jesus and the adults use card stock in which they write down an act of love or sacrifice for Jesus. It can be anything from making an extra Holy hour to sharing a toy with a sibling. Some years we make a special wrapped gift with a slot cut out on top so we can slip our cards inside. Other years we simply placed our card in Jesus’ gold stocking. Anything will do as long as offering acts of love for Christ is the focus. (After Christmas I date and save the kids’ cards. The ones the adults made on card stock can be used as a book markers in our prayer books so we’ll remember what we promised Jesus. 😉

 

A Birthday Party for Jesus

It is a family tradition that on each child’s birthday the dining room table is decorated with a birthday sign and stuffed animals to “greet” them when they wake up. Being Jesus’ birthday, it is only natural that it is celebrated in a similar fashion. Since Christ is the guest of honor, not Santa, our St. Nick plush holds Jesus’ birthday sign. I also place on the table the birthday cake we made for Jesus’ party.

On Christmas morning we all gather around the table that holds the empty manger. We place a large white candle in the center of the advent wreathe and light it. Then Mom or Dad (or an honored sibling) places the child Jesus in his manger and we sing Happy Birthday. Then the festivities begin.

A Nativity Set for the Littles

Anyone with children knows that they are very hands on. They also know how their blood pressure rises every time their little one grabs the ceramic Mary of St. Joseph from the nativity set and starts running down the hallway with it. One of the best investments I ever made was purchasing the Fisher Price Little People Nativity Set. They can be a bit pricey but it was worth it! A nativity scene that the kids can touch and move around makes life sooo much easier. Amazon has the Fisher Price deluxe models and the simple “To Go” Set.

 

The Spirit of Giving

The boys are packing stockings for soldiers in Afghanistan.

Nothing invokes greediness quite as quickly as a materialistic holiday season. To help conquer this, it is helpful to keep kids (and adults) focused on the spirit of giving, especially those less fortunate. If you have older kids this can be done through working at a soup kitchen, food pantry, or visiting the elderly. Most parishes have programs where you pick a name or number and by a gift for a specific child. Kids, including little ones, can do extra jobs and chores around the house to earn some extra money (or use their tithing money if they get an allowance) in order to buy small gifts for these needy children. Or they can help you buy canned good for the local food bank.

I also try to personalize the children to my kids. Instead of getting a gift for “Girl #96” or “Boy, age 5” I’ll give them a name. So when we go to shop we find the perfect gift for little Juan who just turned 5. Or we pick the kind of soup “Maria” and her Mama would like to have on a cold afternoon. It helps to put a face to the person in need. Remembering someone who is less fortunate through a simple gift or act of kindness, helps to instill generosity and thankfulness for our own blessing. Christmas is a good time to start this process but it can be carried on throughout the year, making giving of oneself not just a holiday thing, but a way of life.

 

Plan Ahead for Charitable Gifts

This year we had four pet projects.

  • Adopting military troops and sending care packages to them through AnySoldier.com (although we send packages year round).
  • Joining the kids’ school with making care packages for Operation Christmas Child.
  • Joining our parish’s Angel Tree to give gifts to local migrant workers.
  • Joining Brian’s work and Salvation Army with adopting a local family in need.

I’ll admit that the extra gift giving can add up to a lot of extra money! Luckily, I have been looking for bargains throughout the year. Once a month during one of my many Target visits, I’ll check out the dollar section for various care package items. You can pick up small toiletries, snacks and hand warmers to give to military troops or the homeless or you can find coloring books, games, craft projects, socks etc to fit into a child’s care package. During off-season sales or Pre-Thanksgiving sales or Black Friday sales I find generic gifts like baby dolls or skateboards for the Angel Tree children. To help the kids understand sacrificing for others, we’ll give away some of their older toys to St. Vincent de Paul and as a family we’ll give up one of our “Pizza Nights” and eat sandwiches or leftovers instead. The money we saved goes towards buying gifts and food for others.

With a little creativity, planning and sacrifice, you can make your charitable gift giving more affordable for your family. (NOTE – If you are anything like me, you may also want to download the free printable from the post Keeping Track of Your Hidden Gifts from Orgjunkie.com. I wish I had that last year because I have two Christmas presents that I know I bought but I can’t figure out where I stinkin hid them! LOL)

There are numerous other ways to keep Christ in Christmas but these are just a few suggestions that we practice. With a little imagination (and the prompting of the Holy Spirit) you can start your own family traditions of truly living Christmas!

 

The Advent Christmas Planner

Source

If you need more ideas and feast day projects, I recommend you check out Catholic Icing’s e-book The Advent Christmas Planner.

(You can also read these suggestions from Catholic families that I posted last year.)

 

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Now it’s your turn.

1. Choose your creation, share about it and snap a photo if you can.

2. In your post, link back the original blogger/idea, rather than your Pinterest pin. That way credit goes to the proper person. 🙂 (But feel free to add your Pinterest profile link so we can follow you!)

3. Add a link back here so others can play along. Here is the html code:

<a href=”http://www.revolutionoflove.com/blog/?p=2157″><img title=”Revolution of Love Blog – Pinterest Party &amp; Link-up” src=”http://www.revolutionoflove.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/pinterest_2_medW32-300×240.jpg” alt=”” width=”300″ height=”240″ /></a>

4. Link up below. Make sure you’re sending us to your actual post, and not to your general blog address.

The link up will be active until January 5, 2014.  Have fun!

Lastly, you can follow me on Pinterest here: http://pinterest.com/rol_bobbi/. 🙂

PS – You can follow RoL on Bloglovin, Feedly or another news feed. If you are a social media fan like me, we can stay in touch through Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, GoodReads or Instagram. 😉



Five Favorites (Vol 13) & What We’re Reading (Vol 5): Catching Fire, Advent & Holiday Planning

Today I’m linking up with Hallie’s Five Favorites and Fave #4-5 is linked to Jessica’s What We’re Reading Wednesday. Enjoy!

~ 1 ~

Movie Nights – Catching Fire

Last year I finished reading The Hunger Games a couple weeks before the movie was coming out. I was so excited to see the movie that although I was getting a fever and (unknowingly) coming down with the flu, I was there in the theater during the opening weekend. I purposely did not read the second book Catching Fire until closer to the movie release so I would would be completely hyped up for the movie. Well, I finished the book last night at 1:30 AM and just purchased tickets to tomorrow night’s showing. Now I just have to figure out a way to get all the kids in bed and Brian okay with me sneaking out for a couple hours.  😉

NOTE: Technically, Catching Fire is what I have also been reading, but I didn’t include it since I didn’t review it. Others have done that better than I could. 🙂

~ 2 ~

Chevron Print Sash Bag

Source

The website Jane.com has so many cute etsy finds on sale and I particularly love this Chevron print sash bag that is 50% off ($24.95)  for the next 12 hours. I am really, really tempted to buy it but it is not in the budget right now, especially with our Disneyland trip coming up next week. I don’t know…I may have to hint to Brian that it would make a great Christmas gift but he has to act now. LOL.

 

~ 3 ~

ABFOL’s The Holiday Planner

 

Source

You know how much I love a cute planner and A Bowl Full of Lemons is one of my favorite organizing sources so I was excited to see Toni’s new Holiday Planner. The downloadable sheets are great for keeping track of (and budgeting for) Christmas.

What We’re Reading

~ 4 ~

The Advent Christmas Planner

Source

Speaking of planners, to also keep track of the spiritual aspect of Advent and Christmas, I downloaded and have been reading Catholic Icing’s e-book The Advent Christmas Planner. Anyone who has browsed Laci’s website knows that it is ground zero for any kind of Catholic craft you may have in mind. This is what Laci says about her book:

“This whole ebook has been designed to help the average mother actually execute living the liturgical year at home during the Advent and Christmas seasons rather than just dreaming, filling Pinterest boards, and then becoming overwhelmed.This ebook was written to help you actually accomplish the things you’ve always wanted to by integrating it into your life.

This ebook integrates all the religious aspects of celebrating Christmas with all the practical stuff us mothers also have to take care of this time of year. From stocking stuffers to Jesse Trees, from Advent Saint celebrations to gift budgeting, from meal planning to Epiphany door blessings- it’s all in one easy place for you. No searching all over the internet, or picking from this book and that book…

Love that! I was a little leery at first because some Catholic books frown on any kind of Christmas fun before the actual Christmas day. Whereas I am one of those people that officially listens to Christmas music every day since the day after Halloween. So  not decorating or not putting up our tree until Christmas was not going to work in our house. However, I knew this e-book would be good for me when Lacy says:

“If you really want to celebrate Advent and then Christmas, Advent is a time of waiting and preparation. But you don’t want to look like a scrooge, or make your kids hate being Catholic because the Advent season is not fun and festive. What you want to do is replace all the empty stuff this time of year with feast day celebrations and rich traditions that the whole family can enjoy!”

Well, I can certainly can do a better job at incorporating the Catholic feast days into our Advent/Christmas activities and Laci’s suggestions are just the motivation I need to make it happen. I won’t be doing everything at once but I’ll be picking just a couple things we can do to start new family traditions. Lastly, the book also has a number of printable organizer pages (which will go great in my Christmas planner from above). 🙂

The e-book is normally $12 but right now it is on sale for $10 if you order before Advent starts. 🙂

 

~ 5 ~

The Parish Picnic

The other day someone ordered the book The Parish Picnic from our old website and I had completely forgotten we had it!  So I took out my copy and gave it to Brian to read to the boys during their nightly bedtime stories. The boys were intrigued with the story of Caleb and his two best friends and how he would solve his dilemma at the parish picnic. I heard groans of “Awww”  when Brian shut the book half way through and said, “To be continued tomorrow night.”

The Parish Picnic (Book One of the New Illustrated Catholic Children’s Series) is a heartwarming story about friendship, self-sacrifice and the love of Christ. It was written by Carmen Marcoux (Catholic wife, mother of nine and author of Arms of Love and Surrender) with her husband James. Together they have authored the first of a series of books aimed at the younger reader. The book is beautifully  illustrated by their daughter Rebekah.

The Parish Picnic is a celebration of our Catholic heritage and the life we share as the family of God. 🙂

You can see a preview of the book here.

I still have a few copies left of the book so if you’ d like a copy, you can place an order here. They cost $16.95 but I’ll mark it down to $14.95 and include shipping. 🙂

 BONUS FAVE – FREE  BOOKS!

~ 6 ~

I just saw that the new novel by Erin McCole Cupp called Don’t You Forget about Me is free on Amazon (Kindle) until Nov 21, 2013. It is listed as a “Catholic thriller.” I just downloaded a copy. 🙂

Okay, that’s it for now! Thanks to Hallie and Jessica for hosting!

PS – You can follow RoL on Bloglovin, Feedly or another news feed. If you are a social media fan like me, we can stay in touch through Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, GoodReads or Instagram. 😉


My Journey to God (Part 2): Me? A Nun?

This is Day 7 of Jen’s 7 Posts in 7 Days Challenge.

Part 1 of this story is here: My Journey to God (Part I) – From Darkness to Light

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The summer of my 26th year had been a long and hard struggle. It began when my mom uttered the alarming words, “God may be calling you to the religious life.” My heart sank. As a renewed Catholic who just experienced a reversion to the faith, I had great admiration for nuns but did not want to be one myself. But the idea intensified when I prayed. I couldn’t shake the feeling that God might be calling me to surrender myself in this special way…as a nun. I tried to suppress these thoughts and ignore God, but I knew what life was like when I tried to ignore God. I realized that I needed to spend some time alone with God to get closer to Him and to re-evaluate where my life was going.

I stopped publishing “handmaid” and stepped away from the normal routine of my life. I explained to my friends (mostly non-Catholics) that they wouldn’t be seeing or hearing from me for awhile because I was thinking about the religious life. The reactions ranged from teary-eyed encouragement to gasps of horror at the realization that I was Catholic. The former gave their support and the latter turned their backs because they saw Catholicism more akin to a cult than Christianity. However, this “confession” of mine opened doors for people who were curious about Catholicism because they knew nothing about it or had a skewed version of it.

Photo credit: My bro Jacob

Meanwhile, I was still praying for discernment regarding a religious vocation. I spend almost a year living my own desert experience. I went without “fun”, without TV, radio, phone conversations, and the like. I had quit my job and was working for my parents who were thanking God that I was trying to discern God’s will. (Their motto is to give God and His Church the first shot as your spouse.) My brother Rob was going through a similar discernment process and had entered the seminary to discern a vocation.

I still had mixed feelings about the whole thing – one day I’d have romantic notions of me working as a missionary or penning spiritual diaries and then the next day I’d be filled with dread wondering, what the heck am I thinking? I decided to give it a try by “living the life” of a religious. I found out about a summer long retreat for women discerning a religious vocation that was run by a group of lay consecrated women. I prayed about it and signed up. I hate to admit that my mind was already stubbornly made up that I was not called but I figured once the retreat was over, I could return home with a clean conscience saying I had “tried”.

Life with the consecrated was not what I expected. It was a time of active missionary work and deep prayer – I think it was the prayer that got to me. I wasn’t one of those who loved to spend countless hours praying before the tabernacle. I didn’t like the quiet and being still. It made me think too much. I would struggle with my thoughts. I wondered if I could give up certain things to became a nun, particularly in the guy department. All my life there was always a guy I liked or a guy I was pursuing. The chase was like a drug. As a nun, there would be no more chasing. Could I live life as a celibate? And could I completely accept God’s will in the tiniest detail – go where I was told and do what I was told without question? I didn’t know.

However, praying in common with the others girls and especially spending time alone with Our Lord in the tabernacle melted my cynical and selfish heart. I realized how much God had given me. I thought about what kind of dark life I had been living before and how he rescued me. I slowly began to love the religious life and saw the beauty that outweighed the sacrifice. I wanted to embrace it wholeheartedly. I knelt in the chapel and begged God to forgive me for being so selfish and self-centered and for looking on a religious vocation with disdain, rather than with joy to be chosen as a bride of Christ. I surrendered my whole being and gave to God my life to do with as He willed.

Photo credit: My bro Jacob

Later I opened up my heart to my confessor and spiritual director, revealing all that I was going through. I knew that they were the tools God would use to guide me. I thought I was ready to join the novitiate of the consecrated women but surprisingly, they felt it was not certain that I had a vocation. I was to go back into the world for one more year and if at the end of the year I still felt called, then I was to return. I walked back to the chapel and sobbed. I couldn’t believe it. First I wanted nothing to do with living the life of a nun but God called me. Then I wanted nothing more than to live that kind of life and God said no.

I couldn’t help but feel betrayed until I slowly began to realize just what happened to me during those summer weeks. There had been a definite change in my spiritual life; it gained depth that had not been there previously. I thought about all the classes on spirituality I had taken – particularly the class on the Sacrament of Marriage. I was intrigued to learn how a wife and husband are called to sanctity within their vocation, just as a religious. Therefore a single woman called to marriage should be looking for a spouse that would help her reach heaven. I marveled at the idea! Looking back now, it’s rather funny that God had to put me on the path of a consecrated soul in order to show me the kind of man I should be seeking if I was called to married life. I guess God uses what it takes to teach us our lessons.

I realized the summer retreat was all a part of God’s divine plan and in the long run it would serve its purpose. My heart was filled with peace and joy, knowing that God was in control and that I had finally learned to let go and let God. My life no longer revolved around finding a man. For now, God was the only one I was supposed to pursue. As for the future, I would just have to wait to see what God had in store for me.

Many, many months later (I remember the day well) I was in church praying before Our Lord. It had been nearly a year since I tried the religious life and after a lot of prayer and spiritual direction I finally knew with certainty that God was calling me to be a wife and mother. I believe God had been testing me. By embracing the religious life with love, I had surrendered my life to God and only then could He reveal the true direction of my vocation.

I would love to say that shortly after figuring out my vocation I succeeded in the monumental task of finding a holy spouse that cared deeply about the same things I did and who saw our future marriage as our path to heaven. The reality is that it would take another looong two years. Although I was truly trying to accept God’s will and timing, it was an acute struggle to feel called to a vocation so strongly, yet not be able to “participate” in that vocation without the right partner. I had to learn how to stay focused on growing more mature and spiritually rooted, as well as trying to be patient, trusting that God would answer my prayers in His time. Like the lilies of the field, God was taking care of me.

Months went by and a friend gave me a novena* (see below) to Blessed Anna Marie Taigi, a holy Catholic wife and mother, that her sister prayed with the specific intention of finding the right husband. After the novena she soon met her future husband on the internet in a Catholic chatroom. I had already been praying to St. Anne, my patron saint, but I thought extra prayers to another holy Anne couldn’t hurt and decided to make the novena. The following week I attended my young adults’ meetings with renewed vigor – I was ready for Mr. Right to walk in the door any minute. By the end of the meeting I sighed and resigned, “Okay, okay, Lord. It’s obvious that it’s not time yet. I’ll be patient!” And again, I waited….

Part 3: Journey to God (Part 3): Our How-We-Met/Engagement Story

PS – You can follow RoL on Bloglovin, Feedly or another news feed. If you are a social media fan like me, we can stay in touch through Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, GoodReads or Instagram (bobbi_rol). 😉

PPS – Here is the novena to Bl. Anna Maria Taigi that I prayed.

O Blessed Anna Marie Taigi, by that humble submission with which you believed in and adored the august mystery of the One True God in Three Persons, obtain for me from the Most Holy Trinity the favor which I confidently implore…(fill in your petition**.)

Glory be the Father… (three times)

O Blessed Anna Marie Taigi, by the great love and tender pity with which you honored the mysteries in the life of Jesus, obtain for me from Him the favor which I earnestly implore… (fill in your petition.)

Glory be the Father… (three times)

O Blessed Anna Marie Taigi, through your filial devotion to the Blessed Virgin, obtain for me from Her the favor which I humbly implore… (fill in your petition.)

Glory be the Father… (three times) Amen.

You can fill in your own petition. For an example, I said the following:

Petition 1 – That I may find the man God has chosen to be my spouse.
Petition 2- That he and I will both grow in the virtues needed to be a holy spouse and parent.
Petition 3 – That I may know God’s will and follow it with love and patience.


My Journey to God (Part I) – From Darkness to Light

 

This is Day 6 of Jen’s 7 Posts in 7 Days Challenge.

(I originally wrote this years ago but this is the first time posting it on the blog.)

* * *

I could feel my feet sink into the damp sand as the waves nipped at my toes. I looked over my shoulder and saw my footprints being swept away by the ocean waves. Whenever I’m near the ocean I’m always reminded of the mercy of God – farther and vaster than the eye can imagine, more powerful than the crashing surf upon the rocks, yet as gentle as a lapping wave at your feet.

As I continue to walk, each footstep recalls a memory – some filled with joy and some with deep remorse. I wish I could say that I have always tried to follow God and live his commandments but it was a dark road that led me away from God. It started out innocently enough, but the real turning point took place after high school. I had moved with my family to a new town and made new friends. Previously, I had always been basically a “good” girl and had never gotten into major trouble. I was active in my church and in youth ministry but had a vague sort of love for God. As long as I felt “warm and fuzzy” inside with the knowledge that Jesus loved me, then I figured that I was a faithful Catholic.

Frankly, without a real relationship with Christ, with no solid foundation of prayer, no frequent sacramental life or an understanding of my faith, it was understandable that my rebellious side was fed a steady diet of discontent. I didn’t want to turn my back on God completely, because I still believed He existed, but I was bored. I was attracted to my new friends because they were “alternative” (when such a word existed) and they had a seductive edginess in their attitudes – as well as their clothes and music – that I liked. I started dating a dark and poetic agnostic and everything slowly spiraled down.

I wasn’t used to the life that my friends lived. There was such a casualness and acceptance about drinking, drugs, body piercing, sexual experimentation, homosexuality, the occult, and the like, that eventually nothing seemed to shock me anymore because my friends were all into it. I kept my distance for awhile, still having the fear of God in me, but the enticement of sin was more than I could handle. I began to care less about God and my family. I was tired of rules and restrictions and feeling guilty all the time, so I ignored God all together.

The months drifted by as I got more involved with my boyfriend and the scene. I considered myself much more loving and “Christian” because I accepted people for who they were and didn’t care or try to change them from the sinful lives they led. If my conscience dared to try and challenge me, I would just turn on my music louder and allow the voice of angst and anger to take over me with painful pleasure. I didn’t care about morals and values anymore because it was my own life and I could do as I pleased…but something was wrong with this road I was traveling.

My feelings of freedom and independence began to suffocate me and chain me down. I was slowly losing my self-respect and was swiftly gaining self-hatred and feelings of worthlessness. Everything that was once so enticing was now only adding to my depression. I thought I could change things myself by getting out of the scene and breaking up with my boyfriend. My problems were far from solved when I had to deal with an obsessive ex who wouldn’t let me go, but even harder, I had to deal with the realization of what I had let my life become. My parents and family were agonizing over me and they only knew a small portion of what my life was. Sadly, I was deceptive and covered my tracks well, but I also knew that there was Someone who witnessed my every moment.

I tried praying and going back to church but I was left empty. I had gotten so far from God that I was too ashamed to face Him without barriers and masks. I couldn’t handle the guilt of knowing that I had God’s love but I didn’t want it. I had thrown it back in His face so I could embrace sin. I couldn’t bear to ask for forgiveness AGAIN knowing that I’d most likely return to my sinful ways once more. So I walked through the days in a masquerade, pretending that everything was okay. At night, screaming voices in my head echoed anger and pain and refused to let me sleep. I didn’t know how much more I could take until this desperate, hopeless feeling would consume me.

I tried not to spend too much time with my family, especially my mom; one look at her was a prick of my conscience and I hated it. I avoided any discussions of Godly things but found myself trying to listen behind closed doors to what was being said. I’d hear lively conversations about God’s love, Jesus’ mercy, the Spirit’s strength, and the Blessed Mother’s holy example. A part of me was disgusted and cynical about anything religious yet, I didn’t want to admit that another part of me was intrigued and longed to be that on fire about my faith. It meant very little to me and now it seemed farther to me than ever but the longing for something more in my life nagged at me; the cynical walls started to shake as hope tried to take root.

As night once again approached, for some odd reason, my mind started thinking about the religious conversation I had overheard. My mind’s eye pictured the scene of the crucifixion and I zeroed in on one figure, the Virgin Mary at the foot of the cross. She seemed such a complete contrast to Mary Magdalene, whom I could relate to more. Childhood words flashed through my mind that the Virgin Mary was our heavenly Mother. I thought to myself that she must hate me because I sent her Son to the cross. I pictured her with tears in her eyes pleading with me, “He died for you…He died for you…He died for you.” The words echoed in my mind and a sudden wave of awareness swept over me that Jesus not only died on the cross because of my sins, He died on the cross to forgive and truly love me. It wasn’t some pretty little cliché you hear in church or Sunday school; it was REALITY.

Crumbled on the floor, it was more than I could bear. I sobbed uncontrollably because I knew my life was nothing without Jesus. All the bitterness, hatred, and cynicism were being washed away as I cried out to God not just with words but with my whole being. My soul ached for Jesus’ love and forgiveness. I realized that God never left me; it was I that walked away. God didn’t stop loving me when I allowed sin to tear me apart; rather, He waited for me so He could take my broken life and put it back together with His loving mercy. I rested my head on my pillow and for the first time in my life that nagging voice that usually said, “It won’t last; you’ll be back to your old ways in no time,” was gone. I closed my eyes knowing that my life would remain forever changed.

The next morning I knew I had gone through some kind of conversion because my attitude and thoughts were different. I had accepted Jesus into my life in a way that I never had before. I decided to make a clean break from everything of my past life, including old friends, habits, attitudes, and even my music. Some things were harder than others to let go of but God, in His mercy, brought into my life new Christian friends. They not only became a part of my life but introduced me to the Christian underground (in other words, not mainstream) world of alternative music and ‘zines (self-produced mini-magazines, the forerunner to blogs. ;-)). I was elated to meet people who looked like my old friends on the outside but who were, so different on the inside.

More importantly, by their example I was constantly encouraged to love Jesus and serve Him. However, one thing bothered me, I wondered why I had found the spirit of God so alive amongst these new Christian friends and the love of God so lacking among the Catholics I knew. Although I knew my family loved God and were very close to Jesus, I couldn’t be a Catholic simply because my family was. Besides, Catholicism never really appealed to me with all its traditions and rituals; it seemed so complicated, whereas a simple “bible-based” Christianity pleased my carefree spirit that wanted to worship God in my own way.

I didn’t want to make a hasty or emotional decision so I prayed with a sincere heart and asked God to reveal His truth to me. If I came to realize that it meant leaving Catholicism, then I would. I knew that as long as I was open to God and didn’t build walls of resistance, He’d show me the answer. I grabbed my Bible and the writings of Catholics and anti-Catholics. I wanted to hear both sides of the story. As I studied it bothered me that what the Catholic Church taught seemed to differ from what the Catholics I knew were doing. My view of the Church was being tainted by people who didn’t even follow the Church in the first place. As I puzzled over this notion, God brought into my life on-fire Catholics who had a deep relationship with Christ, who actually understood what Catholicism was about, and who lived their faith with a pure love for God. It shed a different light on things but I needed to find out more.

I began reading Scriptures more, not just taking a few passages here and there to prove a point, but I tried to look at Scripture as a whole, in order to get the fullness of God’s word. I also looked into the history of the early Church and the writings of the Church fathers. It baffled me that they were so….well, Catholic. I never knew that they defended the Catholic belief that the Eucharist is not symbolic but actually the Body and Blood of Christ. I didn’t know that they understood the Church to have hierarchical authority given by Christ, with Peter as the first pope and the following bishops of Rome to be his successors. I didn’t even know that for almost 400 years there was no Bible, as we know it; it was the Catholic Church, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, who prayed and infallibly decided which books were to be included and excluded in the canon that we now read. I was awestruck.

The more I learned, the more I felt drawn to Catholicism and instead of walking away, I embraced it. My views of the Mass, the sacraments, even the Blessed Mother were radically changed when I opened my heart in prayer. The more my relationship grew with the Lord and the more I studied, the more I understood the meaning and purpose of these gifts. What once seemed like meaningless, ritualistic, “excess baggage” I now saw as sources of God’s grace. The Church I was ready to leave actually deepened my love of Christ because I realized that I was deceived by the bad example of a few people (religious included) who labeled themselves as Catholic but who were far from it.

As I continued to learn and study I shared with a few close Christian friends my growing convictions about the Church. They didn’t fully understand but they accepted me and my beliefs. My own heart was settled and I left it at that. In the meantime I got more involved with the Christian underground. I started doing my own zine called “handmaid” featuring the music scene and life from a Christian perspective. Later I started writing for a Christian music/skateboarding magazine. I loved my work and felt I was reaching out to many others but something was bothering me. As I was putting together one of the issues I realized that I was getting too caught up in all the fun and busyness of going to shows, interviewing bands, and doing the zine. I started it all with the intention of serving God and spreading His word but I was finding that I was beginning to serve myself and my pride.

Then my mom uttered an alarming sentence, “God may be calling you to the religious life.”

To be continued – My Journey to God (Part 2) –  Me? A Nun?!

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