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Today I am continuing with the second half of Chapter 4 dealing with Sex and the Married woman.
Warning – This article will be TMI for others who are not married or those who think this kind of stuff should not be shared publicly. Go ahead and skip to another blog and come back tomorrow for {p, h, f, r}. Thanks!
NFP & Me
Elizabeth’s section on NFP really got me thinking. She shared her story of how her use of NFP developed in her marriage. It made me think of my own story.
“It’s Not You, It’s Me” – It’s funny but this past year NFP and I have had a love-hate relationship and I came very close to breaking up and saying goodbye for good. To give you a little background, when I was in my early 20’s I was going through my selfish/worldly life phase. I grew up naive and inexperienced in many ways but once I got out into the world and made the wrong kind of friends, things changed.
I’m Supposed to Do What? – When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I did not have a proper understanding of the Church’s teaching on birth control. When I learned that couples were expected to use NFP, which required periods of abstaining from sex as a married couple, I thought it was completely absurd. It was bad enough that I was expected to remain a virgin before I was married but now I wasn’t even allowed to have sex whenever I wanted after I was married. Forget it!
Not Again – At the time these thoughts were in my life, my mom was pregnant again. I remember thinking that there would be over 20 years difference between me and this sibling and didn’t she have enough with nine kids already? And I wasn’t going to get stuck taking care of another baby… (Man, even I want to smack my selfish self upside the head.)
Her Name Was Rose – Then my mom had a miscarriage. I remember at some point I was talking to my mom and trying to comfort her but she knew, to some degree, how I really felt about her having another baby and not wanting kids myself. She snapped at me and made a comment about it not mattering one way or another to me since I put little value to new life anyway. I shrugged it off and walked away. But something about that miscarriage did something to me. My mom felt it was a little girl that we lost and named her Rose. My little sister Rose must have been praying hard for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
I don’t think I can tell you exactly what or how it happened but something inside me changed after Rose’s miscarriage. She became “real” to me. I started to feel her loss. It was as if she were trying to get across to me that life is precious and we can’t take it for granted. It sparked something in me and slowly my viewpoint started to change. My heart was starting to change. It would still be a couple more years until I had my full conversion but God was slowly working on me and to this day I know Rose sparked the beginning of the opening of my heart.
On Fire for God – After my conversion (or reversion, actually) I got deeper into my faith until I fell in love with Christ and was fully committed to living out all the teachings of the church, including those regarding sexuality. At this point I was in my late 20’s and looking for a man who also loved Our Lord and the Church and who would support using NFP in our future marriage. By my late 20’s I found that man in Brian.
What Goes Around Comes Around – Our first year of marriage God was teaching me much. We hoped to get pregnant that first year but it wasn’t working. My cycles were always abnormal and now it was affecting my fertility. It was a very humbling experience because I remember thinking that my mom had nine kids and I would naturally inherit her great baby making genes. But God was letting me feel the effects of my prior selfishness of not wanting any kids. God was teaching me just how precious and special a new life is. It can’t be taken for granted that it will always be there nor is it at our disposal.
A Little Miracle – Finally, the second year of our marriage God showed great mercy on us and sent us our beautiful baby girl. I knew I wanted to honor the little baby sister that I never met but who played a big part in my conversion so we named out first girl Isabella Rose Marie. Shortly after, Brian and I started our website and I wanted to share what I learned about NFP and birth control so I wrote a number of articles such as What’s Wrong with Birth Control? and Is Birth Control Safe for My Body? and What is Natural Family Planning (NFP)?. However, ten years later I wanted to pull them off the website and disregard everything I said.
Fixing the Problem – For the first decade of our marriage we were strong NFP supporters. We started trying for a second child when Bella was around 18-24 months but I had secondary infertility. We did get pregnant twice in the course of three or four years but we lost both babies to miscarriage. It was then that a friend recommended that we switch from the Sympto-Thermal Method to the Creighton Model since it has been proven effective for those with irregular cycles. I was extremely reluctant to start a method that only used one means (mucus) but decided to give it a try anyway. I am so glad I did! It took a lot of work and appointments and tests but we were able to clear up the problem (which was primarily low progesterone and some PCOS issues) and my cycles cleared up considerably. After that we followed our charting carefully and we conceived Andrew and John-Paul within three years time. After JP I got lazy with my NFP. I stopped charting and did it “in my head.” I wasn’t observing 100% and unsurprisingly I found myself pregnant and it threw me for a loop. I didn’t think I was ready for another baby just yet.
Make A Decision – However, after time I fell in love with the idea and then with my little guy. But I knew I had to give myself some time before getting pregnant again so I went back to my Creighton teacher and relearned what I had forgotten. Brian and I followed our charting meticulously but I was having really long cycles with weeks and weeks of Phase 2, even well after I stopped breastfeeding. My teacher was very understanding and offered her wisdom in dealing with this tough time but as we were approaching week 6 then week 7 of no relief, I was fed up. I remember distinctly when we got to the “crisis point.” I was wrestling with my mind and a voice inside me said – You’ve got to chose, Bobbi. Do you love me even more than your husband? I broke down and cried. It was as if those same selfish demons that haunted me in my 20’s were haunting me again. I had to make my decision and I wanted to serve God together with Brian, not sin against Him with Brian. So we begged for more grace and it came. Thankfully, not long after that decision, (on day 50) we were able to come together again.
Reunited – It’s been about six months since then and NFP and I are back together wholeheartedly. My cycles are relatively normal (for me) and for the first time in my married life I am realizing just how amazing my fertility is and how the body can function like clockwork. I never had that before. Even though I still have had cycles that required longer abstaining than normal, we have been able to cope with it and make the most of it. Something that seemed impossible a few months back.
Friends First
In her section “Rediscovering Love” Elizabeth says,
“…The most satisfying sex occurs when couples are best friends — and friendship is something you cannot buy.”
That is so true and I think as the years pass you realize this more and more. The farther away you get from the newlywed years, (especially with many young kids underfoot) the more important it is to kindle that young love again and again so you don’t wake up one morning eating breakfast in front of a stranger.
Elizabeth goes on to say,
“A good relationship, however, doesn’t mean you are co-dependent clones of one another. Before marriage, my husband and I were separate people with separate identities and interests.”
“Marriage makes us one and unites us in this vocation of raising a family together, but maintaining interests and friendships that we cherished before marriage.”
Brian and I know that sometimes we need some time away. He finds his greatest solace in getting out for awhile and going to the local monastery to sit and pray and think quietly. Or I keep the kids occupied so he can watch a football game or tennis match. I find my solace getting out of the house alone whether I am going to Costco or catching up with am old friend. In the end we come back more refreshed and ready to work together.
However, Elizabet reminds us…
“It goes without saying, however, that we want to be chosen over our husband’s other activities and hobbies, and our husbands want to be chosen over ours, and so we have to guard against making idols of those things. In the hierarchy of values, Christ comes first, then our marriage and kids. Our work, friendships, and hobbies follow. It’s easy to lose perspective and give that which is easiest and most enjoyable too high a place on the scale of values.”
Let’s Talk about Sex
When I read this paragraph I couldn’t help laughing out loud.
“Conducting an informal survey of a group of Catholic women, I’ve concluded that many of us downplay the importance of our own pleasure in the married relationship. It’s easy to do. At the end of a day spent meeting the needs of our children or the demands of our jobs, our husbands can seem like one more person who wants something from us. We may feel tempted to fake climax, or to give up and get it over with. But we are not running a sex charity here.”
Okay, that’s the kind of stuff that makes my mom say we shouldn’t be discussing such things in public! There is a fine line between being open so we can learn how to live our vocation as wives better and sharing too much of what is a private matter between a husband and wife. I’ll try to be respectful while still offering what lessons I’ve learned.
For me, sexual intimacy is 10% physical and 90% mental and unless I am in a hotel room alone with my husband without the chance of getting interrupted by a little one, then I have to “prep” for our special times together. Elizabeth agrees!
“We have to prepare not only to give ourselves to our husbands, but also to receive them. Silence negative thinking. Reflect on his best attributes. Ask God for the grace of holy desire, for the gift of pleasure and relaxation. Thank him for the gift of your husband and your marriage.”
I love that. Elizabeth also has some great practical advice to keep things fun. Here are some of my tips that I have found helpful.
— I heart phase 3. One of the complaints of NFP is that you can’t be spontaneous. Everything has to be “planned.” Well, we save our spontaneity for Phase 3 when we have a free pass, but little planning can boost, not lessen, the mood.
— How do I love thee? To mentally prepare, sometimes when the kids are quiet or napping I’ll pull out an old journal from when I was dating Brian or an old love letter Brian wrote me. I stir up all those old love-sick feelings I had and before you know it I can’t wait for Brian to get home and so I can get my arms around him again. LOL.
— Keep it light. Practically speaking, if I know we will have time to spend together I plan accordingly. I don’t schedule big cleaning and organizing projects and I don’t make meals that require lots of prep and lots of clean up.
— Smelling good. I buy special soaps and lotions that Brian likes and only use them on our “date” nights. It puts us both in the mood.
— Flirt in the kitchen. A stolen kiss, a playful touch or something whispered in the ear can let him know that you desire him and want to be with him. The restraint of doing nothing more than that builds the sexual tension and you look forward to the night together.
— Keep a sense of humor. There is nothing like playful laughter to bring you together, especially when things are far from “perfect.”
— Make a romantic bedroom. Okay, a confession. I had a hard time with this one. Back in April, Hallie at Betty Beguiles.com posted Building a Rockin’ Love Nest. She shared ideas of making the bedroom more romantic for you and your hubby. That post had been haunting me ever since. My bedroom had become a major “catch all” of junk. I read that post then went and looked around my bedroom. The view from my bed was basically this…
(omg, Hoardersville, USA. I can’t believe I just posted this online but there’s nothing like a few acts of mortification and humiliation to keep you humble.)
Well, that did it. I was determined not to sleep until I cleared out all the junk and put everything away. By the end of the very long day it looked like this.
Brian came home and he loved the clean room. (Ironically, I was too tired that night to “enjoy” it with him. haha)
But that actually brings me to the next problem. Although I have a clean bedroom again, Brian and I are rarely in it alone. We still have little ones sleeping in our room. How are you supposed to have a Rocking Love Nest when you share a family bed or have babies in cribs in your room?? Our solution, make the Love Nest mobile.
I went to Target and found an inexpensive comforter and pillows in a cute design. I keep it rolled up in the closet and when the kids are asleep, we take our “bed” to another room (with a lock) and have our alone time – alone. For those days we can’t use our bedroom, it works out perfectly.
To sum it all up, I love Elizabeth’s paragraph:
“Sexual balance is really a search for peace — peace that comes from maintaining friendship with Christ, peace when body and soul are united, and peace with the world around us when we can turn an open and loving face to the people in our lives.”
That’s it for now. Feel free to share your thoughts and comments! Next time I’ll discuss Chapter 5 – Single and Seeking God’s Plan by Anne Mitchell.
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I’m not sure if John-Paul is fascinated by the flame on the candle or the fact that he will soon be eating a cupcake too!