Some of the suggestions are moot points because I don’t do or already do the things mentioned but others were good reminders to me. And I must say that some points like sharing my struggle and “appealing to his protective side” really works in for us, knowing that we are in this together. Here is the article so you can read it for yourself.
Couples who use natural family planning (NFP) are happier, more satisfied, and more faithful than their contracepting peers. Each month, they enjoy a deliriously romantic “honeymoon effect.” Men spend fertile phases chastely courting their wives, who eagerly await the end of the day on infertile days so that they can joyously give of themselves to their husbands.
Just like at your house, right?
Or maybe it’s more like this: You love each other, but your intimate life is kind of a mess. You refuse contraception out of obedience to Church teaching, and you truly believe that natural family planning is better than those awful chemicals everyone else uses anyway. You’re doing everything right, but having no fun at all. Your husband is angry, you’re resentful, and the whole thing has somehow become an aching knot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. When you read the glowing reports of the marriage-building benefits of natural family planning, they o nly make you laugh.
How natural is that?
Well, the truth is that the marriage-building benefits of remaining faithful to Church teaching are real. They are attainable. It’s just that you have to work hard to get them.
I asked some everyday Catholic husbands to take off their rosy pre-Cana glasses and answer this question: How can wives make NFP easier for their husbands?
What they told me might surprise you. As this is a sensitive topic, the men who have contributed to this article have done so anonymously. Here are some of their suggestions …
***How to Help — On Days of Abstinence***
Don’t mock the poor guy.
If your husband is suffering, don’t mock or shrug off his difficulty. What kind of communication from him would you hate to lose? Talking? Hugging? Hearing him speak your name? Now imagine being teased or belittled for missing it. Don’t do that to your husband, even if you can’t see why it’s so hard for him to abstain.
One man explained: “It is the perceived indifference to our plight, and even mockery of it, that cuts men to the quick.”
Another husband observed: “One of the huge problems for a guy is that, if his wife can’t understand and respect his struggle in this particular sacrifice, then who can? Society and the media are bombarding us with ridicule of men and the ways they commonly receive love, while telling us all to value and respect women’s needs. In answer to this dilemma, guys are simply told to ‘deal with it’ in private, or to ‘offer it up’ in Catholic circles.”
And another: “The times I’ve done the best are when my wife has shared with me how proud she is that I am trying, how much it means to her that I love her enough to do this, and that she gets how tough it is. Times when she is empathetic to my struggle. Those efforts on her part are an incredible source of strength.”
Spend time together.
This is a skill. Cultivating other kinds of intimacy can actually make abstaining less painful, as well as enhancing sex.
Plan a date: dinner, a movie, or a TV night. Or turn off the TV (and all other screens), and work together, go for a walk together, or have tea together. You don’t even have to leave the house, as long you spend some time focused only on each other, without the kids, a few times a week. Plan ahead to make sure it happens. Hiding from one another, even with good intentions, is poison for a marriage.
One husband said:
“I have to say that the only success I’ve had is when instead of pulling away, I enter the breach and work on the relationship and intimacy just when the tension is highest. Does this make times of abstinence easy? Well, yes and no. It was still challenging, but all the bitterness and angst I usually associate with abstinence was mostly missing. And the closeness I was feeling to my wife, well that was a really wonderful thing. The tension of abstaining was still there fairly regularly, but the intimacy from other sources made the pill sweet rather than bitter to swallow.”
Talk about your own desire, and ask for his help.
When you are abstaining, let him know that you wish you could be intimate (and some husbands say it’s okay to exaggerate a bit); and appeal to his protective side.
One husband explained: “Emotionally, it’s reassuring to know that you’re interested. Also, it can serve to deflect a man’s thoughts from himself to how he can help his wife. To be honest, abstaining is no pleasure, but how much more difficult must it be that the period of abstaining, for a woman, comes when her body is most geared up. Turning a man’s thoughts from self-pity to self-donation can only be for the good.”
Don’t tempt him.
Don’t start something you’re not willing to finish. Find out what really gets him going, and don’t do that, if you’re supposed to be abstaining. It may help to make a list together of dos and don’ts.
***How to Help — When Abstinence Is Over***
Just do it.
I know, you’re tired. But give the guy a break — he’s your husband, not some jerk at a bar. Even if it wasn’t in your plans, be intimate as often as you can on the available part of the month. He shouldn’t have to beg.
It may seem like it’s only exhaustion or hormonal problems that are squelching your drive, but a lack of physical desire can also come from emotional distress. If you work to improve the relationship, your desire may increase.
Prepare.
Don’t pick infertile days for your most enormous, tiring projects. On days where you can be intimate, let your days be geared toward the evening and your husband. As much as possible, plan your schedule accordingly, and don’t stay up too late the night before.
Some men appreciate a clean bedroom, and many women get in the mood when they feel beautiful. Have your hair done, get a manicure, or (dare I say it?) buy some fancy underwear. Whatever makes you feel beautiful and desirable!
***How to Help — Anytime***
Spruce up.
None of the men I talked to said, “I wish my wife were younger and thinner.” But they did say they like it when their wives dress up a little for them. If you put on earrings or a clean shirt to go out shopping, then you can do it for your husband on a regular basis, too.
Do nice things for him.
Maybe you feel like you already do nice things. You cook for his tastes, you wash his clothes, you bear his children … what more could he want?
Well, he wants to know that you like him.
Find out what makes your husband happy, and do something extra for him each day. Cook something special, give him a sweet note or unexpected compliment, or jump up to get him seconds on coffee. When he gets home, stop what you’re doing and make a fuss over him. It’s not June Cleaver; it’s love.
Communicate clearly.
Let him know as early as you can what the daily fertility status is. If you have determined that use of natural family planning is God’s will for your marriage right now, take it seriously! Chart flawlessly. If your beloved is going to be annoyed, let it be at the system, not at you.
Pray together.
Pray together every day, and state your intentions out loud. This can be one of the most breathtakingly intimate activities of your married life. If you regularly pray together for a more chaste and joyful intimate life, then God will surely give it to you.
And privately pray for your husband’s happiness daily. You may find yourself becoming the answer to that prayer.
But Enough About Him
What about you? You’re the one who has to chart, menstruate, gestate, and lactate, not to mention clean the bathroom. Never mind helping your husband — what about the ways he can make natural family planning easier for you?
Well, there are two reasons that list isn’t here.
The first reason is that I’m pretty sure you already have your own list. If there is something you want your husband to know, for heaven’s sake tell him; he can’t read your mind. Often, it’s misunderstandings that cause trouble, not malice. It’s okay to insist on having some conversations about how your husband can help you, as long as you’re ready to hear his side, too.
The second reason to focus more on what you can do to help is the “unitive” part of your love life. That’s no hype: It’s what intimacy is about, and it’s just as important as making babies.
Your husband’s problems are your problems, and his happiness will likely lead to your happiness, maybe in unexpected ways. Bad sex comes from bad relationships, not vice versa.
Even if you aren’t getting along, and you wish he would treat you better, force yourself to take the first step — treat him a little better, and see where it leads.
Try presenting it to him this way: “I want to have a better, more active intimate life with you. Can we go over these ideas?”
Hand him this article and ask him which suggestions sound good. Maybe none will, but at least you will be talking about it. Each man is unique, but every couple is the same in one way — they really must talk about these things.
Hope, Not Hype
The truth is, all the hype about natural family planning is true. The benefits are real; it’s just that they’re not inevitable. It takes practice, and it takes effort to gain them. You probably will get an awful lot wrong before you get it all right. But if you do make the effort, you will be rewarded with a stronger marriage, a more satisfying intimate life, and a whole lot of help toward greater holiness along the way.
And that is something I’d like to see mentioned in the natural family planning manuals.
Simcha Fisher lives with her husband and seven children in Marl borough, New Hampshire, where they confront the mystery of life daily.
If you regularly pray for a more chaste and joyful intimate life, then God will surely give it to you.
