Photo Credit: cboswell / 123RF Stock Photo
We all have an image of what a good mom looks like. For some of us it is the Barbie look alike at school with the well behaved kids that look like they just stepped off a Baby Gap ad. For others it is the mom in the homeschooling group that attends daily Mass with her six saintly children, teaches from her perfectly organized lesson plan (never second guesses her choices) and still manages to keep a tidy house and cook meals from scratch while planning stimulating educational field trips. Or perhaps it is the mom we’ve never met in person but we read her blog and marvel at her parenting skills, witty and intelligent writing style, her organic recipes with professional photos, and her elaborate Catholic crafts and sewing creations. She is a Pinterest dream come true. There are numerous other versions but safe to bet we are all guilty of wishing we were more like “that” mom at some point. For me, feelings of not being a good mom crept in from the very beginning of motherhood.
When I first found out I was (finally) pregnant, I had all these ideas of exactly how I would welcome my baby into the world – have her placed on my chest after birth, breastfeed on demand, baby wear and have an incredible bond from the beginning . However, when my water broke a month earlier than expected, I was already thrown off my game. I was never able to hold Bella after birth. She was rushed to the NICU and spend the next 11 days in there while I returned home without a baby in my arms. I pumped milk and fed her when I was allowed but the reality was that she spent more time with her nurses than with me. How would she know that I was her mom and not another nurse?
Even after the joyous 11th day when we were able to bring Bella home things, it was still difficult. After endless days of feeding, changing diapers, and trying to quiet a screaming baby, I felt no bond. I felt more like the live-in maid working 24/7 than a good mom. I had to learn to love even when it seemed that no love was reciprocated. After some time had passed, I recall sitting on the living room couch feeding Bella as usual, except that this time her eyes were completely focused on me. After a few minutes of sucking she stopped and gave me a smile of recognition! My heart completely melted as I cried, “She knows me!” In that moment it was as if our hearts were completely bonded. She was my baby and she knew I was her Mama.
I’d love to say that after that moment I was confident in my abilities to parent but as any mom knows, there are countless other decisions and parenting styles that we must choose – breast feed or formula? Store bought baby food or homemade? Cloth diapers or Pampers? Pick the baby up or let her cry it out? As Bella got older, the list of choices just grew and grew. Some of these choices can be life altering, such as, do I go back to work or try to live on one income? Or, do we homeschool or attend a traditional school? Others decisions may not seem as important but they still affect how you live – Do we let our kids watch TV? Do we only eat organic? Do we attend Mass as a family or split up and leave the babies home? How to we discipline? You can find vehement supporters on both sides and sometimes those supporters will look down on you for not making the “right” choice.
There comes a point when you have to just stand up and say, okay, this is what works for my family and shut out all the other voices telling us otherwise. I’ve seen too many moms beat themselves up because they feel like they are doing it “wrong.” There is no one right way! If it works for your family and it isn’t drawing you away from God and your vocation, then don’t sweat it. You are unique and your family situation and your kids are unique. Do what works for you and your husband.
As time passes and your family grows, so will your parenting style. There will be times when we see areas that need improvement and it is okay to learn from other moms but instead of stressing out because your three year old is not potty trained yet or your daughter refuses to eat anything green or your son hates math, get advice from other moms who have managed that bump in the road. Avoid moms that are judgmental and turn to someone you know who will offer their help and support. We will never have it “all together” and there will always be areas where the Holy Spirit gently nudges us to make a change or tweak a certain practice. That doesn’t mean you are a bad mom it just means you are a good mom that is evolving into an even better mom.
A couple years ago I was struggling a lot with feeling inadequate in my mothering and homemaking but I’ve since made improvements and I think I’ve reached a point where I am at peace with who I am and how I mother. For example, my sister Elena and I are both mommy bloggers but we have very different personalities and styles. She is neat and organized. I am a mess cat. She reads non-fiction books. I read novels and magazines. She watches the history channel for fun. I secretly watch reality TV. She sews her kids clothes. I mend my kids clothes with a safety pin. Her 5 year old talks about photosynthesis. My 5 year old talks about boogers. So it is no wonder that our parenting styles are different.
For example, Elena wrote a post about how she raised her kids to be good eaters. Of course when she says picky eaters are made and they don’t come about naturally, I immediately think about two of my boys that have a hard time eating certain foods but instead of feeling like a loser mom I take the advice that I can incorporate – give them less snacks and more choices in their menu. I’ve tried both and it has been working well. On the other hand, while she goes hard core in her rule that if you don’t finish eating your veggies at dinner, you have to eat them for breakfast. It works for her and as a result her kids are amazing eaters. But me? I can’t (or won’t) do that. I remember what it was like to gag and nearly throw up eating certain foods. Andrew does the same thing. Instead of forcing him to eat it all he had to take one small bite. Each day one bite. It may have taken six years but Andrew will finally eat lettuce and broccoli (even though he prefers the stems to the top part.) I’m okay with that.
The point is, yes, my sister is an awesome mom, but I am too in my own way. We both have happy and healthy kids. We both are seeking to do God’s will and living his love within our homes. We both accomplish that is different ways but it works. We both have made great strides and we both have had days when we’ve completely lost it. When I see her accomplishments, I can rejoice in them without feeling bad about myself. When I need mothering help or advice I know I can go to her and she’ll give me tips and advice without making me feel bad. And she knows that I’m her big sis and I am always there for her to help in any way I can. The fact that we are sisters has made this a lot easier but in the grand scheme of things, aren’t we are all sisters in Christ? We all have differences and similarities. We all have our strengthen and our weaknesses.
We’d be a lot happier if we stopped comparing ourselves to each other and accept that we’re all in this together and each of us reflects the love of God to the world. Like flowers in a garden, some of us are delicate roses and others are are robust sunflowers. Some are perky daisies and others are shy violets. Regardless, we are are all reflections of God’s beautify and creativity. Embrace your abilities as a mom. Work on the areas you need improvement with the confidence that God will give you all grace and tools you need. Support your fellow sisters in this difficult yet incredibly important job of raising our families because despite what you may think, you’re a really good mom! 🙂
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