Revolution of Love

Revolution of Love

Do small things with great love.

A Mama’s Journal to Her Baby & Bella’s Birth Story

When Brian and I were married we tried to start a family right away but we were having trouble. After a year of praying, trying and a pilgrimage to Rome, we finally conceived. When I was pregnant with Bella, I started a journal addressed to her that I will one day give to her when she is older. It is a tradition I kept up with all the kids. (Above are the four journals I’ve used.) Below are entries from Bella’s journal, which includes her birth story. (If you only want to read the birth story, scroll down to September 29th.)

February 14, 2001

It is Valentine’s morning and I still can’t believe it. I suspected that our dream was finally coming true so I took a pregnancy test. I followed the procedure then closed my eyes while I waited for the results. I prayed three Hail Marys that I would accept God’s will graciously. After the last prayer I slowly opened my eyes and looked at the test… there it was! How many times have I seen that awful negative result but this time it was positive. There is a little one growing inside me!

Your Daddy was in the kitchen so I went in there and asked him to close his eyes and hold out his hands to receive a Valentine’s gift I wanted to give him. He did so and I then placed his hands on my stomach and told him to open his eyes. With a puzzled look he said, “What?” I said, “Guess!” His eyes grew wide and with astonishment he exclaimed, “You’re pregnant?! Are you sure?” I convinced him that it was true and we just hugged each other and cried. There are no words to describe our joy and gratitude to God for answering our prayers. I’m still in shock…but I will never forget the moment I learned of the existence of my little one. Blessed be God!

February 15, 2001

My dear little one, I am still walking around in a daze. I cannot believe that you are in me! Yesterday I went to the store to buy a few small baby things as a gift for your grandparents. It will be part of how I tell them the news. I also bought a little heart frame to place your first little picture in since you were conceived in love and discovered on a day celebrating love. How I thank God for your existence! It seems almost too good to be true but it IS true. I have been feeling very tired but that is normal since my body is working extra hard to help you grow. I pray God keeps you safe, my little one.

February 17, 2001

My dear little one, we are on our trip to So CA so your daddy and I took the opportunity to tell your Grandma and Grandpa C. and all your new aunts and uncles the wonderful news since it will be awhile until we visit them again. In the afternoon when everyone was here we gave G & G two gifts to open. Your grandpa opened the first box, which contained some treats for the kids. Your grandma was to open the second one (which contained a tiny toy baby doll crib, a stuffed animal puppy, rattle, baby blanket and some board books. There was a little card inside that read ” Grandma’s and Grandpa’s box of toys for their first grandchild”.)

Grandma opened the box and lifted off the lid. She looked inside and then had a look of shock on her face. She closed her eyes and laid her head on the box. Then she began to cry and hugged me. Your aunts and uncles didn’t get it until they too looked in the box and saw G & G crying and hugging me and your daddy. Soon everyone was laughing and cheering. They are all so happy, my little one. They, too, have been waiting for you. They love you and are praying for you. Thank you, my dear Lord and Lady!

February 18, 2001

My dear little one, today dad and I went to Sunday Mass with the family. It was beautiful to kneel there before God knowing that the blessing of new life is in me. I prayed for you and for your health and safety. I worry, my little one, that perhaps God will call you to Him before you are born. I will always love you whether you live 8 weeks in me or 88 years outside of me… but I pray God will allow us to raise you and enjoy your presence for years to come. My heart is always with you, my little one, no matter what happens. Your daddy knows just the right words to comfort me and encourage me to trust God and his goodness.

February 20, 2001

My dear little one, today I called the doctor’s office and made an appointment for March 5 at 6pm. It seems like a long way off but that is his usual amount of time to wait. I am a little nervous. All this is so new to me! There are times when I still cannot believe it.

I have been reading my baby books and keeping track of your growth and development. It is amazing just how small you begin at, little one. You are just about the size of period at the end of this sentence. Then slowly you grow larger and larger. It is a wonderful miracle how God is forming you. Be always united with your Creator, my little one. You shall be a joy and comfort to Him! Amen!

February 25, 2001

My dear little one, today we went out to dinner with your Grandma and Grandpa S. We have not yet told them about you. Your Grandma will be very worried until I see the doctor so we will wait until after my appointment, then we will tell them the joyful news! It is hard to keep quiet since I want to shout it from the housetops but I must be patient and wait for God’s time.

I have been very tired and a little ill. I haven’t had morning sickness other than a little queasiness. I hope that’s okay! Your daddy has been taking such good care of me. He has so much love for us, my little one. Wait until you see what a good and holy man he is!

February 28, 2001

My dear little one, today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. I will work hard at overcoming my faults and building virtue so that I may truly be a woman of God. In doing such, I will be a better wife to your father and a better mother to you. God has granted me the blessing of motherhood but with it comes great responsibility and sacrifice. God has slowly been preparing my heart for this moment and now that the time has come I accept this task of love.

Yesterday you turned five weeks old, my little one. Stay strong and healthy. May God protect you always.

March 4, 2001

My dear little one, each day that passes unites my heart even closer to you. I have been having much fear and anxiety about having a miscarriage. I want you so badly, my little one, and I fear this is just too good to be true. At Mass this morning, though, the reading and psalms and songs were about not fearing, turning to God, and trusting that He will watch over us. I must believe that. I must trust in God’s Providence, whatever the outcome may be. I pray that Our Lady gives me strength. I will be strong and not worry so much, my little one. I do not want you to sense any of my fears as you are growing in me. How I love you, my little one.

March 5, 2001

My dear little one, today was our first prenatal appointment. I was so nervous and scared! Your Daddy got permission to leave work early so he could be with me. He was such a comfort to me! When I first arrived the nurse took my blood pressure and she said I must be nervous because it was high. She said she’d take it again afterwards. The doctor talked to daddy and me and then he examined me. We saw the sonogram for the very first time and there you were so tiny (only 1/2 inch tall) on the screen. The machine said I was only five weeks pregnant but I knew I was just entering my eighth week. The doctor said my uterus agreed with me. He asked me to come back in three weeks to take the ultrasound again then he’ll give us a more definite due date. But that didn’t matter to me since after the exam and seeing you on the screen and hearing that we were both fine, I was so overjoyed! The nurse took my blood pressure again and the numbers were great. That’s because I was so relieved and happy! I cannot tell you how happy I am! And your daddy… he is beaming with joy to see your tiny little body growing in me. We couldn’t be more pleased or excited! I feel like now I can relax a little more and not worry so much. I need to feel good for you now, my little one.

Tomorrow we will be sharing the news with Oma and Opa. It will be exciting! But I am very, very tired so I will stop writing. I love you, my little one. Have a restful night.

March 7, 2001

My dear little one, I have found great comfort writing to you and getting to know you while you are still growing in me. Right now I am sitting in the chapel before Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. I pray that your little heart is already beating for His love above all else. It is the love of God that has allowed the miracle of your existence. Never stray from that love…life is meaningless without it.

Last night we went to your Oma and Opa’s house to tell them the news. We also gave them a little gift box of baby things. They were speechless and overjoyed! Already they are planning to buy a little crib and make one of their rooms into a nursery to babysit you, my little one. They called your other grandparents and together they laughed and cried with joy. They are all so pleased.

Now today I will tell my friends at work. I am excited yet it is still a little hard to believe. God is so good and gracious. I am struck by his gentle yet mighty power…a power that allows a lowly person like me to have the privilege of carrying a new life in me. Now we will be a reflection of the Holy Trinity. Father & Mother together in their love bring forth you, my little one. It is amazing. Blessed be God in his goodness now and forever!

(Later in the evening.) Well, I shared the wonderful news at work and everyone was incredibly excited and happy for me. It is funny how a new baby – or the news of a new baby- affects people. Deep down people are drawn to the beauty of an innocent and pure new life. It somehow brings us closer to God, the Creator of that life. Blessed be God.

March 8, 2001

My dear little one, the last 24 hours have been some of the most horrid hours of my life. Last night I began to bleed. Daddy and I could not believe it. It was late and I was to see the doctor in the morning. As I lay in bed in your Daddy’s arms I realized that God might be taking you away from us. I began to cry and then to sob with such sorrow and heaviness of heart, like I’ve never felt before. Your Daddy held me and sobbed with me. Sorrow gnawed at me all night as I pleaded with God to have mercy on us and to spare our child. Lastly, though, above all else I asked for the grace to accept God’s will, whatever it was.

The next morning my eyes were so swollen I could barely open them. Your Daddy held onto me all night and in the morning there were still tears in his eyes. He loves you deeply as well, my little one. I went to the bathroom to check things out and I had stopped bleeding. Later the doctor told me not to worry and that everything was fine with me and with you, my little one. I was incredibly relieved to hear that. Then when I found out you were okay I was crying with happiness.

Ugh! I feel like an emotional basket case! But more than anything I am so grateful that God has spared you – at least for the time being. I still feel emotionally fragile but God will get me through. Blessed be God. Thank you, my Lord and Lady and all the angels and saints!

March 13, 2001

My dear little one, it has been a very pleasant weekend – your Aunt B. & Aunt J. have been here for a visit. It was wonderful to see them again. They are so pleased and excited about you.

Last night, however, I was having a rough time again. The fear from the previous night keeps returning to me. I just lay in bed and cried. I am afraid to be happy about the pregnancy because something could go wrong any minute. It is wrong to think that way but how do I stop it? I pray that Our Blessed Lord helps me and brings peace to my heart. Please intercede for me, my dear lady. I need you I love you, my little one. Pray for your Mama.

March 16, 2001

My dear little one, it is a beautiful morning out today. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. It will be a lovely day. I am in the Adoration Chapel right now. I have been praying to Our Lord but I am feeling tired and sleepy so I began to write to keep me awake! Your Daddy is kneeling next to me and is deep in prayer. He is such a good and holy man, my little one. I pray that you will have a strong and spiritual heart for God, as your Daddy does.

I talked to my mom, your Grandma C, the other day about my fear of losing you. She said that it is natural to feel that way. But she reminded me that I need to concentrate on enjoying your presence in me every day. She said that whether God takes you away tomorrow, in a few months or in 75 years, I will always be your Mama. She said I must enjoy and cherish every moment with you and not allow worries or fears distract from this special time. Something of what she said clicked in me and made sense. I love you, my little one, and I want to cherish every moment with you. Blessed be God in his goodness.

March 20, 2001

My dear little one, today you have turned eight weeks old and I am entering my 10th week of pregnancy. This is a special week for you, my child! You are a whopping 1 Ā½ inches! Perhaps that doesn’t seem like much but it is when you consider that just two months ago you were the size of the period at the end of this sentence. You are becoming more and more real to me, my little one, and I can’t wait until I can feel you move in me. May God protect you and strengthen you always. I love you.

March 25, 2001

My dear little one, it is Sunday evening and Daddy and I are just about to leave for Oma and Opa’s house for dinner. They are getting more and more excited about you, little one. Oma is curious to know if you will have curly hair like your mommy.

Grandma & Grandpa and the family are also eager for your arrival. They sent you a gift last week. They gave you a little “Jubilee Year” bear and a wooden baby rosary and tiny baby nail clippers. I’m afraid you’ll be showered with many gifts, little one. But remember, the gift of God’s love is most precious! I love you.

March 26, 2001

My dear little one, today the Church celebrates the beautiful feast of the Annunciation (since the 25th was a Sunday this year). We honor our most Blessed Mother in a special way for her humble “fiat” – I am the handmaid of the Lord, let it be done to me according to your word. I give special thanks to Our Lady for her continued guidance and intercession. It was shortly after a special prayer made to Our Lady in Rome that we were finally able to conceive you, my little one. God is so good.

March 30, 2001

My dear little one, today is already Friday. This week has gone by so quickly! That means that you are almost another week older, little one. I went to the doctor’s Monday evening and Dr. V took another ultrasound to check your size. We saw you on the screen with your heart beating strongly! It is still hard to believe that you are growing in me! I love you, my little one.

April 15, 2001

My dear little one, Happy Easter to you! Today is the beautiful feast of Our Lord’s Resurrection. Daddy and I went to Mass this morning with you snug inside of me. It’s funny because Daddy reminded me that by next Easter we will be attending Mass with you in our arms. What a wonderful thought…this is the last time we will attend Easter Mass alone. Next year you will be there too, my little one. I love you!

April 24, 2001

My dear little one, today Daddy and I went to the doctor’s for another check up. We were so excited because we were able to hear you for the first time. Nurse C. had me lay down. Then she got ready to put the little machine on my stomach. She warned us that sometimes it is hard to hear anything or that it takes awhile to find the heartbeat. Well, she placed the machine on me and there you were loud and strong saying good morning with your powerful heartbeat! We’re so excited and happy, our little one. We love you!

April 30, 2001

My dear little one, this weekend we have been visiting Grandma & Grandpa and all your aunts and uncles! Fr. M visited us at the house and gave us a very special blessing. He prayed over me and said special prayers for me that I would be a holy mother to you. Then he prayed for you that you would be blessed and love the Lord always. I was very beautiful, my little one. Your Papa and I love you so much, we can’t wait until we can hold you in our arms!

May 13, 2001

My dear little one, thanks to you, today I celebrated my first Mother’s Day because you have made me a mama! Yesterday Daddy sent me flowers at work to congratulate me. They are very beautiful and very special because this is my first mother’s day! When we went to Mass today a little girl was standing outside the door handing flowers to all the moms. Although I wasn’t holding a baby she gave me one too. God knows that you’re growing inside me and that I am your mama. How thankful I am! I love you, my little one.

July 6, 2001

My dear little one, this morning I was reading through the pages of my journal. It’s amazing how quickly time is going! I am six months pregnant and you, my little one, have grown to eight inches long! Just think, in four short months I will be holding you in my arms! Right now I am in the Adoration Chapel on First Friday and in a few short months I will be here once again with you in my arms. Together we will be praying to Our Lord besides your Daddy. I’ve begun singing the Hail Mary and Gentle Woman to you in the morning. I want you to also have a great love for Our Lady. I love you, my little one.

July 16, 2001

My dear little one, this weekend your daddy and I stayed with your Grandma and Grandpa and the family. It has been a wonderful weekend and everyone was excited to see my growing belly with you inside! On Sunday you and I were given a baby shower by all our friends in So. Calif. It was so beautifully done! It looked like a wedding reception! We received so many generous gifts! Everyone is so happy for us and so eager to welcome you into the world, my little one. I love you very much.

 

July 25, 2001

My dear little one, I have special thanks to give to God for the other night was the first time I felt you kick my hand! I have felt you moving around in me for some time but this is the first I felt it so strong. And again last night as I was sitting on the couch you kicked the hand I had placed on my stomach. It was so wonderful and such a joyous feeling. Now I just need you to kick while Daddy’s there so he can feel it too! I love you, my little one.

August 18, 2001

My dear little one, today your mommy is celebrating her birthday. I was thinking this morning that two years ago I celebrated my first birthday as an engaged woman. Then a year ago my first birthday as a married woman. This year? My first birthday as a mother carrying her child within her. I have sooo much to be thankful for – my life, God’s love and mercy, my dear husband and his love, the fruit of that love – our little baby, my family…the list could go on forever. Thank you, my dear Lord, for all your goodness and kindness to me.

August 27, 2001

My dear little one, today we attended our third birthing class. We were given a tour of the birthing center where I will give birth to you, my little one. I feel much better getting used to the surrounding of the hospital; it makes me feel less nervous about what will take place during your birth! While we were there we saw in the nursery window a little baby that had just been born and was being checked by the nurse. It brought a tear to my eye to think that soon it will be you who is born into the world. How I can hardly wait to hold you, my little one! I love you!

September 3, 2001

My dear little one, I’m amazed at how active you have been in me. You don’t kick as much as you used to but now it feels like you are doing somersaults. My stomach rolls and moves up and down as you move inside me. You are a strong one, my little one. I love you so much.

September 11, 2001

My dear little one, today has been a tragic day for our nation. There has been a terrorist attack in New York and many, many people lost their lives because of it. My heart is broken, my little one, and I cannot stop crying in grief for not only those who died but for all those that were left behind. I think of how much I love your Daddy and you, my little one, and how devastated I would be had something happened to either one of you. But I must put it form my mind right now. I must concentrate on the new life within me and not let my sadness effect you, my little one. I must see you as an answer of hope and joy to all the sorrow and pain our nation is feeling now. May God bless and strengthen us all.

September 28, 2001

My dear little one, I’ve been feeling better, trying to focus on you and your arrival. So many people have been so generous to you – we’ve already been to three baby showers and tomorrow is the last one at Oma’s. Your Grandma & Grandpa C. and your Uncle Rob drove to Carmel to spend the weekend with me. I’ve been having a lot of Braxton Hick (the practice) contractions. They are coming more often but are too sporadic to worry about. Everyone says it is normal! I just hope they don’t stay this strong until you’re born! We still have almost a month to go. I can’t believe that in a few short weeks I’ll really be holding you! I can’t wait! I love you, my little one!

September 29, 2001

My dear little one, I am in shock!! You surprised us all! This (Saturday) morning at 9:35am you entered the world!! My dear little one, I can now call you my sweet little Isabella Rose Marie…a little girl! I am so happy! You are so tiny but so beautiful! I can’t believe it – it all went so quickly! Ha, and today is your baby shower! Well, now it’s a birthday party! I am in shock! But I am oh so happy! I will give you all the details later, my little Isabella. I love you!

October 1, 2001

My sweet Isabella, today I am officially discharged from the hospital although I won’t be leaving yet. The nurses are keeping me around as long as possible so I can spend my time with you in the nursery. I am still reeling over everything! Let me tell your birth story now while it is still fresh in my head.

On the Thursday before you were born I began noticing more practice contractions than usual. They continued into Friday but were brief and sporadic. I remember shopping at Costco and stopping for a moment to feel a contraction. But I continued my day and waited for your Grandma and Grandpa C. and Uncle Rob to come. I was so happy when they arrived and chatted with them while I cooked dinner. At this point the contractions were getting stronger and my back was feeling it more but they were still sporadic so I thought nothing of them.

That evening after dinner we drove over to your Grandma & Grandpa to Oma & Opa’s house where they would be staying for the weekend. Oma showed me the rooms that had been decorated for the baby shower the next morning. Everything looked so pretty! However, the pains were getting stronger and I had to sit so I told daddy that I’d better go home and get some rest. I was very tired that night, although every once in awhile a contraction would wake me. I was a bit worried but since they weren’t close enough to call the doctor (I thought) that I tried to sleep them off. By early morning the contractions were getting stronger and Daddy was getting worried and wanted to call the doctor. I agreed.
While your Daddy got out of bed, a big contraction hit me and my water broke. Now I was scared because I knew that meant that I was going into labor NOW.

Daddy came over and comforted me and told me not to worry. He called the doctor while I went into the bathroom to get dressed. Your Uncle Rob, who was asleep in the front room, woke up and grabbed my bags and put them in the car. However, getting out the door was almost impossible because the contractions were very intense and coming every 2 – 3 minutes. When a contraction came I had to stop and hold onto something and breathe though it. I could feel you in me pressing down and then slightly rising back up once the contraction was over. I tried to quickly hobble out the door and down the apartment stairs before the next one came. I just barely made it!

Thankfully the hospital was only minutes away and I was there quickly. Uncle Rob and Daddy walked me to the birthing center section although I had to stop once on my way to get though another contraction. Daddy and Uncle Rob rubbed my back and told me that I was doing a good job. That gave me the strength to hurry to the admittance desk.

After a few minutes I was finally in my hospital gown lying down on the birthing bed. The nurse was trying to ask me questions but I had a hard time talking since I was breathing through a contraction. She then noticed that I was leaking a lot of water so she checked me to see how I was doing. She was surprised to find that I was already 10 cm dilated – but not as surprised as I was! She quickly called in Dr. V who checked me and said that you were ready to come out now. The nurses and the room had not been ready for this stage of birth so they ran around like crazy putting on their gowns, getting their tools and preparing the room.

I watched them all in shock – this was it. I was anticipating long hours of labor in a hospital using all the labor tools we packed in our bags and here I was, ready to push. My head was full of so many emotions and I would have been really scared if it hadn’t been for your Daddy. He was so loving and supportive; his encouragement helped me to focus and stay calm.

Dr. V took care of the last minute details to get my body ready then he had me push down as hard as I could. I did 2 or 3 times before he announced that he could see the head. Daddy could see you coming out and he just kept saying, “ohmygosh, ohmygosh” then with one more strong push, out you came! Dr. V said, “It’s a girl!” I couldn’t believe it! I had just given birth to a baby girl! From the ultrasound we saw before you were born, the doctor guessed that you were a boy. We assumed we were having a boy, although whenever I prayed for you I automatically said “she” not “he”. I guess my heart knew deep down that the little one inside me was my precious little daughter! I was so happy!

After the doctor cleaned your mouth out and heard you cry, they immediately checked you over at a little side table. Since you were born a month early you were still really small weighing only 3 lb. 12 oz and 17″ long. Although little, the doctor said you are healthy and feisty. (Daddy says that you’re feisty because you’re a warrior for Christ, born on the feast of the Archangels!) However, you had to be taken right away to the nursery to be placed in an incubator so you could be given the special care you needed.

Meanwhile Grandma & Grandpa, Uncle Rob and Opa were waiting outside for the great news. Although you arrived early it was a great blessing that you came while Grandma & Grandpa were in town! By the grace of God I was able to have my mom and dad with me at this most special time of my life…the birth of my beautiful and precious girl, my little Isabella. I love you, my sweet little one!

The day of your birth, little one, filled everyone with excitement and joy. (I’m still in shock!) All your Grandparents were overjoyed and Uncle Rob called the family at home and they cheered and thanked God. Meanwhile Oma was greeting all the guests for the baby shower telling them that the “guest of honor” was detained and the party was now a birthday celebration! Haha!

After the birth I showered and cleaned up and was eager to hold you for the first time. You are so tiny, my little one, but already so beautiful! Although Daddy and I can’t have you in the room with us I am able to nurse you and we are spending every minute we can with you while you get better in your incubator. I have asked Grandma C to stay with me this week while you are in the hospital. She was so pleased that I asked because she wants to be here with you and help us out so Daddy and I can spend as much time as we can with you. I will do all I can not to leave you, my little Isabella. I love you!

October 2, 2001

My dear little Isabella, this evening has been very difficult for me. It is so hard to see the other moms with their babies as they leave the hospital to go home. It deeply pains me that you must be separated from me. For eight months I carried you moving within me. Now I feel so alone and empty without you. I know you are only down the hall in the nursery with the nurses but I want you in my arms at home with your Daddy. I can’t stop the tears…I pray God gives me strength to get through this.

October 6, 2001

My dear little Isabella, today you are 1 week old! Was it really just a week ago that you entered into the world? It seems so very long ago! You are still in the hospital but we are hopeful that next week you will be discharged. You are steadily gaining weight and breathing better. Keep it up, my little one, and then we’ll be home soon!

October 10, 2001

My dear little one, the day you Daddy and I have been praying for is finally here! We have taken you from the hospital (where the nurses were wonderful!) and now we are home!

Daddy took off the afternoon and met me at the hospital. We spent an hour trying to figure out your car seat but we finally did it! It felt funny not to wake up and see you in the hospital but rather to have in our little home. I am so happy! I must admit, though, that I am also scared – there are no more nurses around to keep an eye on me and see if I’m doing things okay. It’s just me, you and Daddy, little one! Actually it was blessing in disguise that we had so much “practice time” in taking care of you in the hospital. I feel more comfortable now on my own.

It is so strange…sometimes I still can’t believe that you are my little baby! It all seems so unreal. And sometimes I worry…will you love me and know that I am your mama? You spent so much time with the other nurses that I hope I am not just another nameless face to you that gives you food. I know it is silly but, my little Bella, just let me know that you love me and know that I am your mommy!

October 18, 2001

My dear little one, this week Daddy stayed home from work to be with you and help me. This is such a special time for us. I feel very close to Daddy and love him very much. It is so beautiful and miraculous that by the grace of God our love has created a new beautiful life – our little Bella, or as we affectionately call you “our little Peanut”. How we love you!

October 28, 2001

My dear little Bella, today, the day before your one-month birthday, you have celebrated a very special day – your baptism! You are a child of God on the road to heaven! All your aunts and uncles and Grandma & Grandpa C. are spending the weekend here. They are so happy and excited to see you for the first time/again! The ceremony itself was beautiful with Fr. E at the Carmel Mission. We have so much to be thankful for, my dear little one! All praise to Our God!

 


November 9, 2001

My sweet Bella, each day I am learning more and more about being a mom! I am still trying to get used to the breastfeeding and you prefer to sleep in my arms, which makes showering and cleaning a little difficult! You are pretty mellow in the day but in the evening you get cranky! You will cry and cry until I am crying! I am told it is normal for newborns so I guess you’ll grow out of it eventually. I just want to keep you happy and content!

My favorite moments with you are at night when you sleep in my arms in our bed. Sometimes I will lie awake at night just to watch you sleep so peacefully in my arms. You’re so tiny and so beautiful! I love you, my little peanut! Thank you, my dear Lord for the gift of motherhood! Amen.

December 25, 2001

Bella’s First Christmas

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Postscript


August 2002

It’s been awhile since I’ve made long entries into my journal. There has been no time! Things have been hectic, especially with the recent move to our new home but it has been worth it. I love our little place and it will be much better for Bella to have a little more room to roam around. She is such a joy in our lives! She is loving & full of energy. Her inquisitiveness never ceases to amaze me (although Brian says she is just nosy like her mother!) and it troubles me that she will grow up thinking that her name is “No, Bella!” haha!

Ay, so much has happened over this last year and a half…some tears, a lot of laughs, and countless blessings. We’ve started a whole new chapter of our lives and the three of us are eager to see where God leads us in the months and years to come. Blessed be God forever!

January 2013

My little peanut Bella is now 11 years old and is growing up to be a beautiful young lady and wonderful big sister to her three younger brothers! She is still the sunshine to my heart and will always be my little baby. I love you, my Sweetie Girl.

 


The Gist: Confession & Meal Planning ( & My Two Cents)

gist_girls.jpg
I was late in watching this week’s episode of The Gist but I was able to watch it today before tomorrow’s new show airs (Wednesday at 7:30 AM Pacific.) The 1/18/12 show was about meal planning and confession. Sort of a strange pairing but I enjoyed it none the less. šŸ˜‰
If you missed the show you can see it here. Below are a few comments I had.

Meal Planning
It was fun hearing the ladies talk about their meal planning/feeding the family adventures. Sometimes we think that these amazing Catholic moms must have it sooooooo together yet they are facing the same challenges we do. (The occasional chocolate chip cereal and Chinese take out? Love it.)
For my meal planning it has still been working really well using my menu board. I usually plan my meals on Sunday allowing for at least one leftovers day and one eat out day. With a magnetic meal board I can easily switch meals around to another day when something unexpected pops up.
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I also have a recipe folder/binder that was a complete shambles (shocker, I know!) but I have been working on organizing it I have my tried and true recipes handy and new recipes I want to try ready to go. If I have time later this week I’ll post my before and after pics.
As for getting picky kids to eat better, I don’t have any quick solutions. Since Bella was a baby she was an excellent eater and loved all sorts of fruits and veggies (Even brussel sprouts! I don’t even like those.) However, the boys have been much pickier. Andrew loves roasted chicken but won’t eat pasta or hotdogs. (What kid does not like spaghetti or hotdogs??) His only fruit is apples (and orange juice) and his only veggie is carrots. I’ve got to sneak veggie in meatballs and baked bread. I recently bought him that V8 veggie/fruit juice to help him get more of his veggies. I am getting desperate! As for JP, he could live on a continental breakfast all day long – fruit, cheese, bread, yogurt and eggs. I guess technically that’s all the main food groups. Do you have any tips that work for your picky eaters?

I was thinking about trying this book – Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food by Jessica Seinfeld. Any of you use this book?
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Confession
The second half of the show was about Confession. I was happy to see Lino Rulli on the show. I’ve heard him a few times on his Catholic Guy radio show and I think he is hilarious on Twitter so it was fun to see him on The Gist.

I’ve finally reached a point where Confession is not scary anymore. I try to go at the very least, once a month and I can always tell when I am about due. In fact, yesterday I was having a horrible day. The kind of day where I am so angry and frustrated that I literally have to walk out of the room and take a deep breath before I lose it or break down in a ball and sob. Part of it was due from my lack of sleep with the kids being sick and Matthew up at night teething but I could also hear that voice in my head telling me that I need the grace of confession to recharge my batteries. I looked at the calendar and yep, it has been one month. So come Saturday morning, you’ll know where to find me – in line for confession.

Have a good night!

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The Premiere Show of THE GIST and What God Reminded Me

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Each week, Catholic personalities Danielle Bean, Rachel Balducci and Carolee McGrath host The Gist. They discuss topics such as abortion, raising teens in the faith and confession. Along with guests such as Martin Sheen, Emilio Estevez, Lino Rulli and others, they will give Catholic women the gist on everything from faith and the Church to exercising, make-up and how to stay sane. Tune in every Wednesday morning for a new show at 10:30 with rebroadcasts Thursday at 8:30 p.m., Friday at 4 p.m., Saturday at 6:30 a.m., Monday at 8 a.m. and Tuesday at 10 p.m. (all times Eastern).

I missed the first show since it is on at 7:30 AM in Cali and I’m usually in the middle of getting kids off to school. However, it is rebroadcast during the week and available to view online. If you missed it, I’ve added it here. Below I’ve also added my own comments about the show.

It was wonderful to watch these great Catholic women and moms. I feel like I already “know” them from reading their blogs and columns. There was a lot to be learned and here are a few things that struck a cord with me.
Topic – Working moms.
My take – Danielle said it best, “All moms are working moms.” Being a SAHM, I say, “Amen, sister!”
Topic – Comparing ourselves to others.
I loved Rachel’s comment, “The only people you can truly analyze is yourself and your situation…”
My take – It is so easy to look at other moms and see how much they are doing and think, how do they do it? It will sometimes make me feel guilty that I am not doing enough. But I have to remember that we are each in different situations and have our own unique vocation as a wife and mother. As long as we are open to God, He will direct us to exactly where we need to be. He’ll often challenge us but He won’t overwhelm us. If we are overwhelmed we may need to ask, “Am I doing more than I should be and spreading myself too thin?” If not, then ask, “Am I relying on God for my strength or on myself?” (Sigh. Been there. Done that.)
Topic – How do you do it all?
When Danielle asked guest speaker Lisa Hendey, “How do you do it all?” Lisa replied, “If I think about everything that I do in a day, it’s too overwhelming. So I start my day with prayer…and that’s a key component throughout the day. Praying just for the grace and the energy and the strength to do it all and really, I just do my best with whatever pot that is burning right in front of me…managing the priorities, looking at how I can be of help to other people and most importantly serving my parish and my family.”
My take – Prayer, Priorities, Serving family first but not forgetting others. Enough said!
Topic – Lisa talked about saints being role models, intercessors and heroes of our family.
My take – Often when I hear about the saints I wonder how I can relate to them because, well, they are saints. But really, they weren’t born with halos on their head. They had the same kind of human struggles we do. They had to fight their personal demons and rely on God to give them the strength to live holy lives. I can certainly learn from that! (Side note; I am in the middle of reading Lisa’s book The Handbook for Catholic Moms: Nurturing Your Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul and I am eager to also check out her new book A Book of Saints for Catholic Moms: 52 Companions for Your Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul.)
Topic – Prayer
In the next topic they ladies spoke about the importance of prayer in our daily lives and I love what Rachel said, “Right off the bat, establishing that our prayer life is the most important thing and I think as moms we can so easily justify and rationale away taking time to pray because laundry needs to be done, and lunches need to be made and children need to be cared for, but really, personal holiness and a relationship with God is the most important gift we can give our families.”
My take – I am guilty of this all too often! There is always something that needs to be done and although there are times when I can pray as I work, there also needs to be time when I quiet myself and simply focus on God. Some days it may only be for a few minutes but I must be willing to make the effort and establish the priority. Certainly if I have to time to post on my blog, pin an idea on Pinterest or watch a favorite tv show, then I certainly have time to shut it all down and give God a little silence.
Topic – The rosary and adoration.
My take – I love Carolee’s comparison of the rosary and exercise. Both are things we tend to want to put off yet both are important to our health (physical and spiritual) and we’ll feel better after we are done! And Danielle’s thought on Adoration reminded me that just as I ask Brian to watch the kids so I can run to the market alone, I can ask Brian to watch the kids so I can stop at the chapel and speak to God in his presence alone. (And I know he is more than wiling to do it!)
Topic – Family prayer.
My take – This should be a show topic itself! I already commented on this briefly in another post but a number of families I know pray the rosary every night with their kids. I commend them! For us, it has not worked out very well, but rather than forget the whole thing, we’ve adjusted it to our family needs. Instead, we try to say the rosary but with only one decade. Some nights we’re lucky just to gather us all together for a quick night prayer but we do what we can. Each family is different and their needs change as the family grows. The main thing is to be doing something.
Last Thoughts
With that said, I really recommend that you watch the show yourself. At first I was a little reluctant to devote time to it since the topic was on working moms but that was just a small portion of it. There were many topics discussed. On the one hand, it seemed like too many topics. Maybe there could have been less topics and more time spent on one or two subjects. (It seems like the saints, personal prayer or family prayer could have been their own shows.) On the other hand, the flow of conversation carried into many different topics and they commented accordingly. Either way, I really enjoyed the show and actually watched it twice. The second time around is when God impressed certain things on my heart and for that I am thankful.
So thanks, Gist Girls. I look forward to watching you again next week!


7 Quick Takes – Top Posts of 2011

Happy New Year! We are back in town, back to school, back to work and I’m back at my computer. I have a house full of Christmas decor that needs to be packed, suitcase that need to be unpacked, and huge messes wherever you look. The thought of tackling all that does not sound too appealing so for the moment I am going to make the posts I was supposed to do last week! This should have been posted 12/30/11 but I didn’t make it online until now. Oh, well. šŸ˜‰
It’s funny that the top three most popular posts this year all had to do with Brian and I meeting, dating and marrying. I guess we are all suckers for a love story. It is also no surprise that the top three were all initiated by blogging queen and fashionista Betty Beguiles. So kick up your heels (or flats, in my case) and enjoy!
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Hosted by Jen at Conversion Diary.

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Heart of Gratitude: Day 1 & The Email That Started It All (Engagement – Synopsis Version)
It’s been so busy lately that I hardly have any time online to blog or catch up on my google reader. I had a few moments this morning and I saw that Hailey started a “Heart of Gratitude” 14-day challenge for your husband. I looked at the date to see when it started and I realized it was today, November 9th, which is a special date for me and Brian.
It was thirteen years ago on November 1 when a young man left the seminary after a year and a half stay. He had discerned that it wasn’t his vocation and felt God calling him to a new chapter of his life. He thought about marriage but he had dated before and it never really worked out. He recalled reading about a new Catholic online dating service (AMSCOL) and gave them a try, filling out their questionnaire that day. Later he knelt before God and humbly poured out his heart. He told God that if he was called to the vocation of marriage, then God would have to place the girl on his doorstep. With a resolved sigh, he began the first day of his novena trusting that it was all in the hands of Our Lord and Our Lady. (Continue reading…)

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Our Engagement Story: An Answer to Prayer (Longer Version)
Yesterday Hallie at Betty Beguiles had the great idea of asking bloggers to post their engagement stories. It was so much fun to go back to my old journals and read about our early months together. Sometimes it’s easy to forget the romance when you are dealing with the every day busyness of raising little ones. It was a good reminder that Brian and I need to carve out a little alone time no matter how busy. I don’t have time to write out the story (I’m typing with one hand and holding a restless baby with the other) so instead I’ll just repost the story of our “courtship” which includes our engagement. Brian and wrote this together so you’ll get his side of the story too. (Also, after we were married I found the notes Brian used write down what he wanted to say when he proposed. I was so happy to find that because in the emotion of the moment I don’t think my mind was registering all the beautiful words he was saying to me. Now that they are in my scrapbook I can go back and relive them word for word. )
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Now, on with the story…
BOBBI: In my late twenties, it started to become the family joke that if I was not married the age of thirty then I was going to pack my bags, move to Zimbabwe, live with the natives and die for a noble cause! (Okay, so I was a little dramatic.) Time was ticking and I was trying to grow closer to God and accept my singleness at the moment. My younger sister Elena suggested I try the website Single Catholics Online (now known as Ave Maria SCOL). I laughed at the idea, insisting that I was not desperate enough to look for a good Catholic husband on some dating service! She gave me that knowing look, smiled and walked out of the room saying, “Instead of crying about wanting a husband, get to work and check it out.” How does she know me so well? (Continue reading…)

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Betty’s Wedding Dress Round-Up
Betty at Betty Beguiles.com asked bloggers to share about their wedding dress and if they still loved it or wished they had done things differently.
When I was prepping for my wedding and looking for a dress I was a little worried since I hated wearing dresses to begin with and I’m a plus size and didn’t have as many choices as other brides-to-be. I remember my sister BC and I were shopping in Orange County and we decided to stop into a bridal store just to see styles and prices. After looking at the stick-thin girls and big price tags, I felt really out of place and didn’t stay very long. Shortly after, my family moved to the Calif high dessert where it was more “cowboy country” than we were used to. I was driving with JC, another one of my sisters, and we came across a local wedding boutique. It looked more home-town humble than high-class snooty so we stopped to take a look.
The sales lady was really nice and brought out some dresses in my size. The first one I tried on confirmed all my fears. It had a “western” look to it and in it I looked like a big, white marshmallow cowboy bride. I looked over at my sister who was in the dressing room with me and we bust out laughing. Not quiet-giggles laughing but the I’m-going-to-wet-my-pants-if-I-don’t-stop laughing. The sales woman came over and asked if anything was wrong. I bit my tongue hard enough to make myself calm down and told her that we were fine. I quickly changed and after a few more tries we came across a dress with an empire waist and I loved the way it looked and fit. I looked at the price tag and even the discounted $800 was more than I could really afford. But at least I now knew that there was a dress style that would work on me and not send me into hysterics.(Continue reading…)

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Those Perfect Catholic Moms Are Killing Me
I recently added a number of new blogs into my google reader and I’m sifting through them to see which ones I’ll read regularly and which ones are good but not where I am in life.
The first ones to go are the blogs that depress me. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that have countless posts by talented moms showing their beautiful gardens, their homemade baked goods and home cooked meals, their hand sewn clothes, and their Catholic craft of the day. I can take these in small doses but not all the time. Like I said, it depresses me.
And it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I just can’t seem to follow their lead. I’ve tried to garden. Truly, I have. In fact, just a few months ago I decided to start again but to keep it simple. No veggies or elaborate flower beds. Instead I have two simple window boxes of flowers and three herbs – basil, Italian parsley and cilantro. I was doing really well but as usual I forgot to water and not just once or twice but for days. Yesterday I went outside to check on my herbs and lo and behold, I’m the only person on my block to have a garden of dried herbs. (Dried… dead… is there really much difference?) Yeah, so gardens and I don’t do so well. (Continue reading…)

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Operation Clean & Organize: Vol 1
I’ve discussed in a number of previous posts (like here and here) about my battle with keeping a clean and organized house. I’m naturally messy and the amount of work I have to do to clean up and organize our house is overwhelming. However, it’s a project I want to undertake because it’s important to me. I think there is some truth to the saying “cleanliness is next to godliness.” Someone once told me that a person’s exterior life reflects their interior life. I don’t know if that is true but I do know that after awhile I get tired, frustrated and grouchy with all the piles of papers and junk and disorganized areas of the house. A house with little kids will never look like a museum – and never should – but I could definitely use a little more order in my life and I know the difference it makes.
When I do clean up an area and have it organized it makes my life run a little bit smoother. (Who can’t use that?!) I am more at peace and feel that I am better accomplishing my mission in life – to raise a happy family and make our home a little taste of heaven on earth as we work towards entering our eternal home. It is my small way of showing God that I love him – to put aside my natural messy tendencies and find the orderly and creative woman I know is lurking in there somewhere. (Continue reading…)

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Catholic Baby Shower Ideas
I’ve updated our main website Revolution of Love.com with ideas for a Catholic Baby Shower. I thought I’d post the prayers, activities and gift ideas on the blog as well.

Activity – The Catholic Baby Shower Rosary – Joyful Mysteries


The First Joyful Mystery: The Annunciation
The angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph. The angel said to Mary, “Hail full of grace! The Lord is with you. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” (Luke 1:26-29, 38)
Blessed Mother, through your humility and obedience God’s plan of salvation was put into motion by a simple “yes.” May (NAME) be given the grace to say yes to God in the small and big things of her life, so that she, too, may participate in God’s plan of salvation through her vocation as a wife and mother. (Continue reading…)

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10 Year Anniversary: Where Were You on 9/11?
When I was younger I used to always wonder why people would ask “Where were you when Kennedy died?” I didn’t get what the big deal was. Now when someone asks me “Where were you on 9/11?” I understand perfectly what they were talking about. On 9/11 I was no where near NY. I was living in Pacific Grove, CA with Brian. I was almost 8 months pregnant with Bella. I woke up to kiss Brian goodbye for work and he told me I had better check the news because he saw online that there was news of a terrorist attack.
When I turned on the TV, I first thought a single terrorist flew his own plane into the Twin Towers. Then a realized a regular commercial flight with innocent people on board were made into human bombs. And not just one flight – many of them. I kept thinking that the Twin Tower workers probably never saw it coming but the people on the plane were aware and watching it unfold. I was dumbstruck until all I could do was sob. (Even now its hard to hold back the tears when I think about it.) I don’t think I ever got off the couch that day as I watched and cried. Brian came home and eventually made me turn off the TV so I’d stop thinking about it. (Continue reading…)


7 Quick Takes – (12/23/11): TMI Edition

7_quick_takes_sm Hosted by Jen at Conversion Diary.

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Is it true it’s already December 23? It’s hard to believe but that’s what the calendar says. At least I’ve been able to count down the day with this really cute kitchen advent calendar.

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It is a magnetic mini cookie sheet tray that I hung on the fridge. (I found it at Hallmark.) I love it. šŸ™‚

 

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Thankfully we are all over our colds, except for a random sneeze here and there. I usually never get sick when the kids do, but it got me this time…
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It all started two weeks ago when I was going to do a quick post about making a big pot of soup and freezing individual servings so I can easily have a hot lunch on these busy days. I made a pot of one of my favorite Chicken Posole soups and froze individual servings in Ziploc freezer bags. I’ve had it numerous times but this day I forgot to take out the soup the night before to defrost in the fridge. Instead I took it out in the morning, snapped a photo for my post and then let it defrost on the sink.

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Maybe I left it on the sink too long. Or it could have been because I warmed it in the microwave then forgot about it for awhile. Whatever the reason, when I finally finished eating the soup I started to feel a little sick…then more sick…then I-hope-I-remembered-to-sign-my-will sick. I had food poisoning. Ugh!

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This all took place while the kids were sick with a nasty cold that seemed to take forever to clear up. Normally I am used to being sneezed on (usually right in the face while I’m talking so the germs can head straight into my mouth.) And I’ve learned to live my life as a human Kleenex. I’m not exaggerating. A kid will walk up to me and literally wipe his snot nose against my pant leg leaving a huge slime trail on my leg. Ah, the glamour if motherhood. Normally, I throw a fit shrug it off but with the food poisoning all my defenses were down and those nasty germs were going to make up for all the times I avoided them. The cold wasn’t too bad but I swear (TMI alert) the stuff coming out of my nose was straight from an alien horror movie.

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Thankfully the cold didn’t last too long but the plugged up nose and pressure stuffed head wouldn’t go away. On top of it all, I lost all sense of smell. Perhaps it wasn’t a huge deal but I am big on smells. I could live without smelling the Christmas delights like fresh pine and baked goods. What troubled me is that I couldn’t smell when the toast was burning. I couldn’t smell the questionable milk to see if it was still good. Matthew wore a stinky diaper for hours because I didn’t notice he stunk until Brian came home from work and told me. And have you ever tried to shop for perfume when you can’t smell?? I was in the department store snorting a bottle of fragrance when the saleslady suspiciously asked me if I needed help. I resigned to my fate and simply picked out the prettiest looking bottle hoping it wasn’t actually gag-inducing.

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Then it happened. A couple days later I woke up and heard Matthew pushing and “doing his business” in bed. As I laid in bed and waited for him to be done so I could change him, I slowly started to smell the stench. I jumped out of bed and took a big whiff of his behind. Man, I was never so excited to smell a stinky diaper in all my life. I could smell again! And the heavens rejoiced. So it seemed.

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Anyway, did I really spend all seven takes talking out food poisoning, snot, and poop? Wow. That’s sad, Bobbi. Oh, well. Let us rejoice in the small crosses in life. Compared to what could be going wrong, that is nothing. God is good!
Have a blessed Christmas!!! xoxo šŸ™‚