As I mentioned last week, for the next few weeks I’ll be doing a book study of Hallie Lord’s Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter . I had been making notes over the week but yesterday I was ready to forget the whole idea.

Yesterday was an awful day. Seriously, it wasn’t the usual busy and stressful day of mishaps. It was different and I couldn’t put my finger on why. When Brian came home I went to my room, locked the door and begged God to help me and literally cried myself to sleep. I haven’t felt like that in a long, long time.

A half an hour later I opened my eyes and came out of the room like a weight was off me. Brian hugged me and asked if the demons had been attacking me. It clicked. That is exactly what it felt like. The interior struggles were like familiar demons that I have not battled in a long time. In my experiences, usually when there is a “spiritual attack” it means God is preparing a turning point… some good fruit that will come out of a particular situation.

I am not sure what that situation is. Maybe it’s my own personal growth as I am studying this book. Maybe it’s the trip Bella and I are taking tomorrow. Maybe it’s something I am not yet aware of. Whatever it is, yesterday I thought I’d never post this book discussion because I was the last person that should be sharing lessons with you. But now that the fog has lifted and I am at peace again, I’ll go ahead and post what I’ve written so far. If you haven’t read the book yet, hopefully it will encourage you to pick up a copy. It truly will be one of the best $10 you ever spent. 🙂

I love Jennifer Fulwiler’s writings and was pleased to see that she covered the first chapter of the book: How I Fell Out of My Minivan and Found Myself. After wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes from her Dukes of Hazzard’s van story, I was hooked by this paragraph.

“I had a specific idea of what the authentic Catholic woman was like: She was the picture of joy and grace every time she went to Mass and always had an emotionally powerful experience upon receiving the Eucharist; she kept her home tidy; and she joyfully crafted elaborate celebrations for each liturgical season.”

I could relate to Jen’s feeling of inadequacy. In fact, this is a topic God has been drilling into me for the last 9 months. It all started last summer when I wrote the post Those Perfect Catholic Moms Are Killing Me. I had been reading a number of Catholic mom blogs and seeing all their accomplishments at homemaking and motherhood was making me feel like a loser.

As days and weeks passed I told myself that I can’t help it if I was messy and disorganized and that I couldn’t sew a button or keep a plant alive more than a week. So what if I get impatient and fired up at the slightest mishap, especially on the days when I forgot to spend time in prayer because I was too busy checking my facebook and emails. That’s just how I am.

But it was bothering me. Is that it? Am I to resign myself to “just being myself.” I knew there was plenty of room for improvement. Then I started reading the book The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers – Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity by Meg Meeker, MD.and the first Habit was called Understand Your Value as a Mother. In my post about it I talked about feeling inferior, rediscovering my talents and listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. In one part I wrote:

“It’s funny that once I stopped comparing myself to my perceived super moms (after all, I am seeing a tiny, sanitized glimpse of their lives,) I started seeing that I possessed some of those same talents that I admired in them. It is as if my creative side woke up. I started posting on my blog again because I love having an outlet to write. I’ve tried new recipes and found cooking fun again. I’ve started organizing small sections of the house and realized I, too, could be organized. (Relatively speaking. ;-)”

That got me to thinking – what is “me” and what’s a warped vision of me? Then I read Jen’s words:

“To uncover your unique brand of holiness, you have to sift through your God-given quirks and talents from your sins.”

Suddenly the light bulb clicked on. That’s it! (If I was an Oprah fan I’d say it was my AHA! moment.) That’s what the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me! Separate the quirks from the sins. I had my own unique calling and vocation that matched my personality and my temperament. I didn’t have to become a carbon copy of mom A, B or C. I just had to be the best version of me and slowly God is showing me how to achieve that.
Jen sums it up using one of my favorite quotes:

“St. Catherine of Siena famously stated, “Be who God meant you to be, and you will set the world on fire.” We tend to focus on the second, more dramatic part of the statement, but the first is just as important: Be who God meant you to be. Embrace the one-of-a-kind brand of holiness that God has chosen for you. Reject your sins, but love your quirks.”

Perfectly stated.

At the end of the chapter, there are a number of questions for deeper reflection. I’ll share one of the questions and my reflection with you.

#4. What saint has challenged your ideas about what holy people are like? What did he or she do that surprised you?

A saint that forever changed the way I think about holiness is St. Francis de Sales. My old parish was named after him and I remember the pastor once giving a talk about his life. He said St. Francis was known as the “gentle saint.” He was a model of kindness and patience in guiding souls to Christ. He said this was ironic because St. Francis actually had a fiery, sometimes violent, temper and it did not take a lot to set him off. However, with God’s grace he was able to tame his temper, transforming his greatest fault into his greatest strength.

This also reminds me of what a priest once told me in confession years ago. I was struggling with certain temptations and feeling overwhelmed by them. He said that if we surrender ourselves to God and rely on his grace, we can turn our biggest weakness or sinful tendencies into the very path that will lead us to heaven. He gave me the example of St. Mary Magdalene. She was a prostitute, a woman undoubtedly who dealt with sins of immorality. Yet, when she gave heart to Jesus and repented of her sins, something in her shifted.

Mary Magdalene found false love in the men she was involved with, but with Jesus, she found true and pure love. Her desire became not to please men but to please Jesus. We know that she succeeded in purifying her heart and loving Christ deeply because she was granted the grace to be the first person to witness the risen Lord. Like St Francis de Sales her weakness was transformed into her strength. It doesn’t mean that they did not struggle but they relied on God’s grace and they slowly became their “true” selves.

Now that I am following Jen’s advice of separating my sins from my unique quirks, God is helping me to overcome those sinful tendencies. When I fail I like to remember St. Francis de Sales. I’m encouraged to know that God’s grace can do anything so I pick myself back up and continue on the path chosen for me.

The next post about the book:

• Chapter 2 – “Style: Balance, Beauty and You” by Hallie Lord

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