I started this post on Wednesday but I didn’t get to finish it until today. Sorry for the delay!
For the next few weeks I’ll be doing a book study of Hallie Lord’s Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter .
Previous posts:
Since this chapter was about sex I am splitting it up in two sections. The first will be geared towards sex and the single female. Next week I’ll discuss the second half of the chapter which is geared towards sex and the married woman.
The Single Life – In some ways, my single life seems ages and ages ago. In other ways, I an still remember the struggles of being single and trying to live a chaste life. I grew up in a sheltered life and pretty much stayed out of trouble in grade school and high school. I went to Catholic schools and homeschooled a couple years in high school. However, in my early 20’s I drifted away from the church and God.
I still attended Mass to keep my parents appeased, but I was not living the Catholic faith spiritually or morally. Like many others, I wrongly believed that as long as I wasn’t actually having intercourse I could do anything else and still be considered a virgin. Eventually this kind of life was destroying me interiorly. I hated myself and the double life I was leading. Yet, I was weary of “turning over a new leaf” because I knew that eventually I’d fall back into my old sinful ways. By the grace of God, my heart was changed and I gave my life back to Christ and repented of my sins. Jesus was able to restore my life and show me a love I had never really experienced before.
Elizabeth sums up my feelings when she says:
“Once I developed a relationship with Christ, I was amazed by the inherent dignity and worth I found in his true love. Christ listens to our arguments, but doesn’t fight back. He doesn’t lie, pressure, or humiliate us. Having a relationship with him doesn’t require any compromise with virtue. If there is a way to live chastely as a single woman — and there is — it’s through him.”
The Effect of Sin – “When I did turn my life around and came back to God I broke away from the people and places that led me to sin but the damage was already done. I struggled for a long, long time with being chaste and not falling into sin again.”
Elizabeth felt the same way:
“And yet, I still struggled with chastity. I knew sex before marriage was wrong, but I didn’t know what was considered appropriate physical contact. Many of us grew up thinking that anything goes, as long as you don’t have sex. But if anything goes, sex often follows. ‘How far is too far?'”
Elizabeth gave some great advice about setting boundaries while you are dating. I, too, had to eventually work through this and relearn what sex and chastity were all about. A few years back I wrote two articles for our website in regards to chastity. I reread them today and I still feel the same way so I posted them to the blog.
Chastity Part I – Living Chastely and Loving It (This was a synopsis of living chastely, no matter what your vocation of season in life.)
Chastity Part II: What If the Spirit Is Willing But the Flesh Is Weak? (This is practical advice that helped me with my struggles to be chaste.)
When You Find “The One” – I remember after my engagement, my mom talked with me and told me that now that we were engaged the temptation for Brian and me to be more intimate will be even stronger. I didn’t believe it would be any worse than it already was but later I found out, she was right! We made mistakes but thankfully, by the grace of God, (and I think my mom’s prayers!) we were able to wait to fully share our love on our honeymoon.
Elizabeth was able to do the same:
“We met for Mass after work. In the evenings, if the smooching got too hot and heavy, we’d stop to say the Rosary. Anything beyond kissing was a danger zone for us. We put a strategic plan in place to help us avoid sex before our wedding. Both of us had a gut feeling that God had chosen us, one for the other, and we wanted to honor his plan by staying faithful to his teaching.
Dating chastely, we were free to be at ease, to play, to be companions rather than lovers. We went for walks, made dinners, and hung out with our families. Our engagement was one of the happiest years of my life, and with the help of the sacraments our wedding night was the first time we were together.”
What If We Already Crossed the Line – I remember getting an email one time from a girl who was engaged to be married but she and her fiancé were already sexually active. They came to realize that they were wrong and they wanted to stop but were having a hard time. I emailed her some advice and she gave me permission to post the email online (without her real name.) In it you’ll find advice that I think would be beneficial for those who have fallen and those who want to prevent falling. Here’s the ink.
RoL Q&A: I’m Engaged and Really Struggling with Chastity…
Suffering from Past Sexual Abuse – Although this topic wasn’t mentioned in Elizabeth’s chapter, it has been on my mind and it seems appropriate to mention it here. For those girls and women who have suffered sexual abuse the road to true sexual freedom is much more difficult. I have never suffered such a heavy cross myself but someone close to me has and I have seen the damage it had on her physical, mental and spiritual well being. However, I have also seen the amazing power of God’s grace and healing in her life. Our Lord helped my friend out of the pit of darkness and despair and healed her heart so she could love purely once again. There is nothing too dark that the blood of Jesus cannot heal. It won’t be easy but it is certainly possible to feel whole once again.
There is a new book out by Dawn Eden and although I have not read it yet I have heard excellent reviews. It is called My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints and in it she shows how the lives of the saints have given her hope and aided her journey of spiritual healing after childhood sexual abuse.
You can also read Jennifer Fulwiler’s recent interview with Dawn Eden. I posted it here.
That’s all for now but feel free to post your comments or email me at rol@revolutionoflove.com.
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