NOTE: I have shut down our old RoL website. I am moving the most popular posts over to the blog so they will still be available online. This week I will be moving the posts about Dating.
(Many times we receive emails asking similar questions. We have turned some of these questions into posts so others can benefit from them. Brian and I aren’t experts and we simply share our experiences with you.)
Dear Bobbi, I wanted to ask your advice. I love God but am not “super religious.” I like to go out and have fun. I have a sense of humor but my jokes may be considered crude, but that’s just how I am. I want to find a decent Catholic guy but I also want him to like me for who I am not expect me to be “perfect.” Any advice? Thanks, Jane Smith
Since none of us are perfect, I should hope a guy does not expect you to be! I guess my answer partly depends on what you call “fun.” It could be going out and having a margarita and some laughs with your girls or going out and getting so plastered that your friends have to carry you back home. As such, I’ll answer in a general way. 😉
When I was dating, my mom used to always tell me, “You won’t get a holy guy if you are not trying to be holy yourself.” Even when I was younger and not living my faith, I came to realize that I attracted guys that reflected my own weaknesses. When I was cussing and talking crudely I was with the same type of guy. When I was partying or not being very “moral” I was with the same type of guy. If I did not respect myself…etc, etc.
In the same way, a person that is trying to follow God is going to be attracted to others who are also working to follow God. You can be different in personality but if you have a common core, so to speak, it can work.
Take Brian and myself, for example. Brian and I are very different. Brian is naturally prayerful and contemplative, while I am have to force myself to sit still and listen to God. He is methodical and I am more spontaneous. He doesn’t cuss but I am often biting my tongue to stop a four letter word from coming out of my mouth. We are both very different and far from perfect but in the things that matter – our love for God, our love for each other, a desire to raise a holy family – we are on the same page and working together as a team.
In general, whether you are single or married you want to take a good look at yourself and evaluate yourself honestly. We all have our own personalities and tendencies. Many time there are things about us that we think are a part of us. We won’t change these things for anyone because that is just who we are and we want to be true to ourselves. I know I have said this myself. And for some things, it was true. I am who I am. However, sometimes the trait I was defending was not actually a part of who I was meant to be in God’s sight. It was closer to lack of virtue or a result of sin.
None of us are perfect and God certainly loves us as we are but he also loves us enough to want the best for us. You and I are both daughters of a King. Our lives (and conduct) should be a reflection of God’s love. However, God does not expect us the change who we are. We are unique with our own traits. Rather, He wants to refine who we are so we can better exemplify the person of Christ.
So guy or no guy, no matter how “holy” we are, there are always ways in which we can improve ourselves and come closer to God. So in that sense, we all are on the road of conversion and change. You don’t want to change the essence of YOU and what makes you unique, you just need to be open to God smoothing out the rough parts. 😉
Take it to prayer. Find yourself a good examination of conscience. Review over it and see if there are some areas of your life that need working on – not just so you can “get a guy” but so you can get closer to Christ, who should always be the most important man in your life, whether married or single.
Start with the biggies. Are you living in a state of grace? Are you in serious sin? I highly recommend confession! Then work your way down. Choose just one or two things to work on first. We all have enough points to work on to last us until a ripe old age!
Then as you work on these things in yourself, you’ll also be aware of the traits that you are looking for in a future spouse. As you are working to become more like the person you are meant to be, you will see God do amazing things in your life. You may be surprised to find the guy who is not “perfect” but perfect for you. And you, in turn, will be perfect for him.
I’ll be praying for you!
Love in Christ,