For the last two years I have had a theme word or phrase for the year. For 2012 the word was “homemaking.” I didn’t plan it that way. It just happened. For 2013 it was “loving God” and it matched the new blog design and logo. I have been thinking about 2014 and one word kept popping into my head and it was “Discipline.” Not exactly what I wanted to hear. On the other hand, it made sense because by the end of December I felt like a wild 2 year old hopped up on birthday cake sugar. All the festivities had me eating too much, spending too much, playing too much, and whatever ever else too much I shouldn’t be doing. I can feel the desperate need for a little reigning in and disciplining.
As I was pondering all this I clicked over to Jen’s Saint Name Generator and said a prayer before receiving my randomly chosen saint for the year. I was given St. Benedict. The first thing that came to my mind? His motto – work and pray. It was as if the Holy Spirit was kicking me in the rear and letting me know what was ahead but I was still dragging my feet. It wasn’t exactly exciting. I was reading other blogs and they had really cool words. Jenny had Delight and Sarah had Rest (in the Lord) and even Jen had something about going out and having fun. This morning I was seriously thinking about ditching the whole idea or just picking another word. But then the Holy Spirit let me know WHY I was given “work and pray.”
Today Brian went for his routine testing to make sure he is still cancer free. (If you recall, I talked about his cancer in our annual Christmas letter.) My father-in-law took him this morning and I took care of getting the kids to school etc. Then Brian called me from the doctor’s office to break the news that the cancer has returned. We were in shock. When we went through this last January, after the surgery and his recovery the doctor said everything looked great and he had a 90% chance of remaining cancer free. He went for his follow up tests 6 months later and again, everything looked good. But now it is back. In the same area and at the same size. Brian couldn’t believe it. The doctor couldn’t believe it.
So now Brian has to go through surgery once again. Plus, we are praying that the tumor is only at stage 1 (possibly 2) because if it is any more advanced he will also need to have chemo. I pray to God we will not have to go through that.
I have a very vivid imagination. A person can tell me one thing and my mind will automatically play out the whole scene in my head. So I think to myself, “My husband has cancer,” and my mind then thinks, “what if…” and I can see the funeral and the kids in tears and me being despondent like Lady Mary unable to cope with the loss of her love. Until I snap myself out of it and say, “Get a grip.” There is work to be done and kids to be taken care of and a husband that needs my support…I need to get to work…and I need to pray. Aha! Now I get it. The Holy Spirit was giving me a heads up. I need to work and pray.
It was the only way I was able to get through the rest of this day. It is the only way I will get through the days and weeks ahead. I don’t know how big this cross will be but I’m trying not to worry abut it and just focus on doing what needs to be done right now.
In the meantime, I ask you to please, please keep us in your prayers. I will keep you posted as to how things are going.
(I’m linking up with Jenny for “Naming the New Year.”)